Pussy Anyone?

So, a friend asked today if anyone wanted one of three adorable abandoned kittens. While my own fierce warrior dawg was living, I could not own or even think of owning a feline. He thought they were only good for snacks. So, as the day progressed, I began thinking about how La Nina Loca's biggest desire lately has been to get a cat. I kept this desire at bay by saying that it would eat the hamster. Odds are low on that one, but she'll never see through this lie.

Tonight I call my Mr. over for a discussion on the subject because he is the boss of me when it comes to pets/household changes. I allow this, btw. Here's how the discussion went and how I talked myself out of the idea!

Me: Hey, babe, come over here. Wanna chat with you about somethin.

Mr: Oh, no. (skeptical look) He turns around, leans on furniture and crosses arms as if to do battle.

Me: (I read his posturing and meet him with coquettish Mrs. all eyes batting and downcast, sad smile) So, ________mentioned today that she's looking for a home for this kitten.

Mr: (before I can say anything else) (head shaking) Not a good idea.

Me: But La Nina's been asking for one lately. I've been thinking about it too.

Mr: You can't find time to clean the Hamster cage. How can you take care of anything else?

Me: I clean her cage ever 2 weeks because it takes her a week to build her sleeping nest. It wouldn't be fair. Anyways, I'm sure they have fancy new litter and boxes now.

Mr: It would cost too much by the time you de claw it and pay for all the other expenses.

Me: True, but it seems cruel to de claw. It's painful ya know.

Mr: It would claw up your furniture and scratch her.

Me: It wouldn't claw the furniture but . . . . her, well maybe.

Then it all flashes through my mind. She harassed my sister's stray cat's kittens (3 weeks old). It was a nightmare for me everytime we went over to her house. I had to watch her constantly because she wanted to put it in her shirt as her "baby" and carry it around by the neck and stuff it into things. . . purses, baskets, boxes etc.

Me: Yeah, maybe she's not old enough for it after all.

Mr: (Smug satisfied smile) Wait till she's about 6 or 7.

No Pussy for the Muse Girl household any time soon!!!!!

Cooking Discoveries

I've been concerned about La Nina Loca's social and intellectual development. You know, you worry about what your children might struggle with later on and wonder how you could help them before they cross those bridges. We've already established that I WISH I could be the mom who lies on the couch smokin' ciggs, drinkin' and watchin' Jerry Springer, but I'm not. The specific things I was concerned about:

1. La Nina cannot write her full name, but more importantly has no DESIRE to learn.

2. La Nina seemed to play only with boys whom she calls her boyfriends and says she will marry one day.

3. La Nina has days (very few) where she won't listen to her teacher. I get this Rock Star treatment from her most days, but she usually tows the line at school.

So, tonight I decided we'd do a little cooking therapy. La Nina loves to help cook, bake, and wash dishes. (What a freak!) While we were in the middle of it all, I began my baited questions. The conversation went roughly as follows:

Me: So, who have you been playing with lately?

Her: J-----. (boy)

Me: Who else?

Her: (a few more "boyfriend" names)

Me: What about B------? Did you play with her?

Her: Nope.

Me: Your teacher said you did, today.

Her: Well, she chased me around if that's what you mean.

Me: (mouth open) Oh, I thought you two were friends.

Her: We are. It was a chase game. (closed mouth).

Her: I like you.

Me: Thanks, angel, I like you too.

Her: You're the best Mommy ever!

Me: Aww, thanks button. You're my fave ____year old too!

Her: B-----and I had a ba'scussion about pee and poop.

Me: EWWWW. That is nothing to be talkin about, miss maam.

Her: (giggle) uh, huh. Poopy Pants. Me and A---just said that. (laughter)

Me: (NO laughing). Nope, not acceptable at all. Do you need some soap? Huh, some soap for that nasty mouth? I'll do it, you know. Ask your brothers.

Her: (more giggling, not threatened) I love brother.

Me: Why do you love brother?

Her: He always plays games with me.

Me: Yep, you're a lucky girl, huh?

Her: I like Daddy. He's the best daddy in the world.

Me: That's sweet. I like Daddy too.

Her: He's not YOUR Daddy.

Me: True. (sigh--she's one step ahead of me, always)

Her: Sometimes he makes me mad, though.

Me: Yeah? How?

Her: When he tells me to do t'ings I don't wanna do.

Me: What about me? Do you get mad at me?

Her: Yep. You doos that too.

Me: Hey, let's practice your name while we cook.

This goes well for a minute. Stirring and spelling.

Me: How about later we try writing your name too?

Her: Nope.

Me: Why not?

Her: A'cuze.

I stopped here. I had established that she does play with girls but likes the boys better. I figured out that she loves her family even though we boss her. She can spell her name but chooses not to write it. I'll sleep tonight but can't guarrantee the future!

Dare ya!

Dare you to:

Try something new.

Contact an old friend.

Reach out to someone who needs you.

Love as hard as you hate.

Open your mind to a new thought path.

Ask someone to forgive you.

Tell someone how much they REALLY mean to you.

Believe that everything, everything happens for a reason!

Maybe I was wrong . . . .

Walmart Prayer Part II:

Well, only one of the requests from my former Walmart prayer was granted. I purchased a few sale items!!! However, the place was crowded as a mo' fo', I didn't get a good parking place, La Nina cost me 30.00!!!!! (bribery), the workers weren't really nice . . . in short it continues to be the seventh circle of Hell for me. The experience was everything I thought it would be and not in a good way!

Walmart Prayer

Not trying to be blasphemous. I think God has a sense of humor; look around. So, I'm taking some liberties.

Dear God,

Help me please! I have to go out to Walmart to send Mr. some $$$ today. I pray that I'll get a good parking space. I pray that I won't get run over in the parking lot. I pray that not everyone that lives in this city will be there. I pray that La Nina Loca is on her best behavior (which is a loose term in itself). I pray that I won't cuss anyone out in my head or for reals. I pray that I won't see anyone I know because I'm not going to wear makeup or fix my hair. I pray that the WM employees are semi nice to me. I pray that it gets a little warmer outside and could you throw in some sunshine for about an hour? Oh, and I pray that anything I need to buy is on sale.
Please consider my prayer--it comes from the heart.

Amen.

Confused Constellations!

My horoscope for tomorrow is sooooo whack!



"Take part in some new sport or gym routine today -- it might turn into a permanent part of your life. You're better off joining together with friends or coworkers, if only to keep you going. "


Funny! If any of you bitches asks me to "join" you for exercise, you're gonna get a double bird! My fave kind of exercise is turning the pages of a really good book!!!!!

To Man Child--a rare serious moment for me

I recently blogged about the trials of parenting a man child. This poem is inspired by those trials and is a rare serious moment for Muse Girl. I promise that witty repartee will chase off the melancholy that has taken hold of me for a moment.

To my man-child:
Where did yesterday go?
You were just a boy
With laughing eyes and
A quiet smile.

How did I lose the time?
You used to be here
With innocent questions and
A quiet way.

Why didn’t I know more?
You struggled through
With frustrated sighs and
A quiet sorrow.

Why can’t I go back?
I would guide you
With loving words and
A quiet smile.

Where can we find the time?
I would be there
With confident answers and
A quiet way.

Why can’t I help you?
We continue to struggle through
With confused tears and
A quiet sorrow.

Muse Girl
10/12/09

FYI

Made it to the grocery--finally. It was all I had imagined. Everyone in town was there. The children chattered on while I was trying to think and make decisions. There were several bottlenecks on tight aisles and several misses with the huge fucking cart that la nina loca insists I drive around. I was wound so tightly through the experience that I would have ended up in China if I was released. I kept getting shocked every time I picked up an item. It hurt so badly that I finally said out loud "FFFFUUUUCCCKKK." Of course the small boy and his daddy in their church clothes appreciated that one. At the check out, la nina loca through a huge fit over holding her chocolate milk. It was of such a proportion that as we're leaving I'm telling her loudly that the manager standing by the door is going to put her in Publix Jail. This is one I only use when I'm desperate. It didn't work. She carried on ALL THE WAY TO THE CAR. When we arrive, I realize that we've just stolen a package of cookies that were under her coat in the cart. I have gone back in stores before to pay for a $1 item. I think it's important to show your kids how to keep that moral compass going. However, I confess amongst her screaming the thought of returning inside and writing a check for a package of 3.00 cookies (Mr. lost the check card) didn't seem like a good idea. Sooooo, I gave them a big speech about taking things without paying, put them in the trunk, and closed it. I promise to pay next time I go.

Mr.'s Bad Habit

Nope, not talking about Mr.'s love for the ciggs or his abuse of Pepsi or his habitual snoring that could trigger an avalanche in the Swiss Alps from here. Mr. tends to wake up quickly. Don't get me wrong, he never hears his alarm but when his eyes are open, he is thinking and speaking. I wake up slowly. It is a soft, symbiotic relationship between my body and my mind. It is a process that is only complete after four sips of coffee. I cannot dialogue or deal with anyone else's until the completion stage. If words are formed and aimed at me, I strain to reach them and it fucks with the harmony of my process. This all comes to light today because my process is fucked beyond recognition. I actually wrote this post in my head while lying in the bed at about 4 a.m. My body wasn't part of the process and therefore I couldn't get out of the bed then.

I wake up around 3 a.m. to the sound of Mr.'s alarm which is the theme song to the movie Halloween cranked on his cell--that is ACROSS the ROOM. I whip myself into a sitting position mind alert at the sound. I look for him in the bed and there he is. Eyes closed, snore turned down but still ASLEEP. I rudely wake him up probably with cursing--cant' remember. He starts asking questions and talking and what not. I'm like what? no. mmmhmmm. trying to answer Mr. and finally I snap and tell him to shut up and leave me alone. He goes on about his business getting ready for work.

I lie there. Mind awake body not. Mind starts ticking slowly at first:

Damn, I'm hungry. pause. Ohhh, there's no food in the house. pause. Fuck, must grocery shop tomorrow. pause. Aw, double fuck, must take children with--husband is going to work. pause. Hate the grocery with children. pause. They'll piss me off. I'll spend too much money. pause.I have a headache. pause. Damn, no more BC powders. pause. Why am I awake and thinking about this shit????? pause. maybe I should get up. pause. Then, I'll want to eat because I'm hungry. pause. There's no food in the house. pause. I'll have to go to the grocery. pause. FUCKKKKK, back here again?????? I'm gonna hurt Mr. This is all his fault!

Needless to say, I eventually wandered back into sleep and ended up sleeping way too late into the a.m. I've had my coffee, but I'm starving. Trying to get energy to conquer the grocery.

Sorry, Mr. for the bashing. Man up, you can take it because you know I love ya!

Random Musings . . . .

Quotes I find interesting:

"I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art." -Kahlil Gibran, "A Handful of Sand on the Shore"

"There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action." -Johann von Goethe

There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, [journalism] keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community." -Oscar Wilde, 1841

"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." -Salvador Dali

Dictionary Slang Dictionary Word of the day:

Slang Dictionary
poser
n.someone who pretends to belong to a group only by affecting the attributes of the group. (See also mod poser.) : What's he doing here? He's just a poser, looking for dates.

Dictionary of American Slang and Colloquial Expressions by Richard A. Spears.Fourth Edition. Copyright 2007. Published by McGraw Hill.

Disclaimer: Not claiming these for my own first or anything. . . Just like them.

Keepin it "Real"

So, I spent the majority of my day yesterday in my pjs, in bed watching reruns of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. It began the night before when I had a toothache like a mo'fo and took two pain pills, four ibuprofen and suffered for hours. I woke up a little hung over from the drugs but with a minor toothache. I have SEVERE dentist anxiety and refuse to go. REFUSE. Anyway, to pass my hangover time, I began watching the show. One after the other came on until I was completely mesmerized. I laughed with the women, cried with them, hated with them, and laughed AT them as well. I got up to make dinner b/c I was on overload and had forgotten that I WASN'T one of these privileged women. I realized I didn't have a personal assistant to plan for, shop for, and cook for my family. I did, however, continue my RHofA fest post dinner and Mr. reluctantly joined me at last when he realized I could not be pried from either the bed or the show. He kept saying, "I can't believe you watch this." It's like a train wreck. You can't help but watch! I came to several conclusions after my day with the bitches of Atlanta:

1. They must have more money than sense. OR more money than God. OR more debt than there are words in the English language.

2. I want to be a strong, attractive black woman.

3. Wigs are under-rated and I'm considering buying one.

4. They drink as much as I do only I can't afford the amount of wine they consume.

5. Kim's ta-ta's will take over the Southeastern U.S. soon.

6. If I had time to kill, I'd stalk Dwight the gay guy--love him, want to have drinks with him.

7. How do those bitches walk in those heels?

8. Kim has a personal assistant who: hires her nanny, goes with her to plan her birthday party, carts her crap around for photo shoots. Where do I get one of these???????

9. For all of the time those ladies spend hating, they spend equal amounts of time loving. . . someone if not each other.

10. I want to crash one of the parties they show the women attending!

PS-I'm in withdrawals today.

Man Child Meets Mr. and Mrs. ????

I introduced the figurrs to Man Child today when he came by. I decided to ask him the same questions that I asked Middle Child and La Nina Loca about them. Before I could formally introduce him, he noticed them and asked, "What's up with these?" I explained. He asked, "You're not going to leave them there are you?" Later I let him spend some time with them and asked him the questions.

Me: Man Child meet Mr. and Mrs.
MC: head nod, smile. no words.
Me: Where do you think they're going?
MC: Smile. Giggle. "Can I touch them?" The sun? He's got a beer. He's going to the sun, duh?
Me: What do you think their names are?
MC: This guy looks like a Phil. She looks like a Judy.
La Nina Loca named them: Ina and Ohcio.
(laughed out loud)
Me: What is he going to take pictures of?
MC: Birds or something.
Me: What is her fave color?
MC: Gumdrop Purple
Me: What music do they like?
MC: This dude likes Neal Young. I can just tell. She likes Bruce Springsteen. I hate Neal Young.
Me: What do you think is in his bottle?
MC: Captain Morgan 100 proof.
Me: What do you think is in her bag

MC: Food.
Me: What do you think is in his suitcase?
MC: That's a lunch box.
Me: Ask them one question.
Why are you dressed like that?

Parenting the Man Child

Having a serious moment that isn't being served with a side of sarcasm today. I'm definitely more comfortable with anger and humor than the more serious side of life. Parenting a man child is a tricky tight rope that may bring out anger, frustration, desperation, nostalgia, but rarely humor. Here are the latest parenting words I offerred up to Man Child:

1. When a man fucks up, he stands up and owns it.

2. Look the folks in the eye that you are responsible to and say what needs to be said--like an apology or whatever the situation calls for.

3. Carry on in a situation with what you can sleep with tonight because you might just live with that decision for a long time.

4. It's not the mistakes you make, but how you handle them and clean up after them that defines your character.

5. Remember your moral compass.

6. If you live life authentically, you'll have fewer regrets. This means to me brutally honest with yourself when the tough times show up at your door.

These are words I wish someone had been savy enough to explain to me as a youth. However, I don't know if I would have understood them until now. I wish I could sprinkle fairy dust on them to give them life for Man Child.

Favorite Quote

I've had a few reasons to deploy this quote lately. I find it once again in need of use.

They copied all they could follow
but they couldn't copy my mind
so I left them sweating and stealing
a year and a half behind.
Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)

Sometimes it just fits. Oh, and Karma is a real bitch.

You Know You're a Bitch If . . .

My newest song post "The F Word" is a shout out to my girls who will soooo appreciate it! Feelin extra bitchy tonight and decided to give into the feelin and wear it like a designer outfit and maybe, just maybe tomorrow it will be out of my system.

So, You Know You're a Bitch If:

1. You looked sideways at least once at someone and thought, "You just need to go the fuck away."

2. You looked at someone with a strained expression and thought, "You just need to shut the fuck up."

3. You looked glassy eyed at least once at someone and thought, "I want to slap the fuck out of you."

4. You looked at a co-worker and thought, "Bring it, Bitch. I will FUCK you up!"

5. You didn't even have to lay eyes on someone to think, "I wish he'd/she'd go jump in the fucking river."

6. Your thoughts all day long were mostly, "What the Fuck?????" about everyone and everything.

Middle Child Meets Mr and Mrs ????

I introduced the figurrs to Middle Child tonight at dinner. I decided to ask him the same questions that I asked La Nina Loca about them. He made it fun and I laughed a lot.

Me: Middle Child, meet Mr. and Mrs.

MC: Okay.

Me: Where do you think they're going?

MC: The beach.

Me: What do you think their names are?

La Nina Loca interjects: NO, I named them! I named them!

MC: He looks like a Rob and she looks like a Brenda.

La Nina Loca named them: Ina and Ohcio.

(spewed out his tea)

She's gonna be like Angelina Jolie

Me: What is he going to take pictures of?

MC: Ummm, other women?

Me: What is her fave color?

MC: Probably like a Navy Blue.

MC: Why are you asking me this? Is there a catch to it? I don't get it. Hmph.

Me: What music do they like?

MC: Well, he likes Whitesnake and she likes Enya, I can tell. No, no, she's too Hillbilly. What's that guy you used to listened to who raps? Yeah, Kid Rock.

MC: What do you keep typing?

Me: What do you think is in his bottle?

MC: Bottle of Jack. No, Is that a forty? I can't tell.

Me: What do you think is in her bag?

MC: Oh, it's a bag. I thought it was a turkey. Probably twinkies.

Me: Ooooo, you're bad.

Me: What do you think is in his suitcase?

MC: Porn.

(I spew this time)

Me: Ask them one question.

(me) Not appropriate to write.

Coming soon . . .I interview Mr. and Mrs. about their experiences at Casa de Muse Girl!!!!