Hospital Hallucinations

So, my madre is in the hospital hooked up from every oraface possible. She's trippin' her face off on the morphine she's been on since Tuesday. My sis and I get her to the ER via 911 the other day and that's where it all started. We're 15 mins. into the ER visit and we both decide to take Aleve. I have a headache; she has a backache. As we're swallowing the pills, mama yells from her bed for us to stop it. We shouldn't be doing that in there. When we explained, she states that she thought we were taking "sedatives"!!!!!!!! By God, what a great idea. Wish we'd thought about it! Here are a list of other bizarre, drug-induced sayings she's spouted in the last 48 hours:

1. Where'd she go to get that water? The well?? (She'd been gone 2 minutes)
2. That room should be the best since it's taken 'em all day long to "get it ready". (okay, I'll give her this one. We really were told this every 5 minutes for 4 hours straight)
3. I wish someone would sweep this room. That floor is a mess. The floor outside the door is a mess too, get that. (There was no mess on the floor.)
4. I fired that doctor last night. I told him i didn't sign for him. He was that Indian doctor. (He is her doctor. He is East Indian. He is freakin' AWESOME)
5. I told them I was insulted at that treatment. You just don't give someone an enema in an outdoor pavillion and not pull the curtains. And then that whole crowd of people showed up. (She had the enema in the privacy of her own room with one sweet, sweet tech in charge. No relatives from another state witnessed this event.)
6. Is that door closed? (it was the wall)
7. Why is the bathroom in the hallway? (It's two feet from her bed).
8. Is that supposed to be a shirt? (eyes were closed. who knows!)
9. We were thinking about getting a keeper for her. ( In reference to my older sister. She does need a keeper sometimes)
10. I'd prefer that you two not drink that beer in this hospital. (we were reading quietly. There was no alcohol in the hospital nor any mention of boozing it up!)

Don't mean to make light of mom's misery. It is a serious time, but those who know Muse Girl know that humor is my coping mechanism. This is how I get through the tough times!!! You are allowed to laugh at this!!! It's some funny shit.

Best Idea EVER!

I was watching middle child play Modern Warfare 2 and freaking out. It's awful! Bloody, gruesome, and disturbing. Every 5 seconds I'd say, "This is awful." He got real tired of all that nonsense real quick. However, this game did spark an exciting idea for me! The game makers are missing out on an entire marketing demographic: the multi-tasking, tired-ass, soccer moms who work too.
They could create a game called "Crazy Ass Mom" in which the mom chooses her weapon to destroy the washer and dryer. She could hold a gun to game husband's head while he washes the dishes. She would say, "Wash 'em bitch!" She could target shoot with dirty underwear left on the floor. She could flip her child off and say, "Drive yourself to soccer, bratface." Instead of grocery shopping, she could hold up the KFC for a bucket of chicken to bring home to the family. "I said 2 sides, Mother Fucker, 2!!!" "More beans, asshole, more!"

She could have a big ole AK under the covers and say, "Come near me tonight and I'm blowing your gentles off."

I'm tellin you this game would sell. Tired ass moms all over the country would relax and unwind with an hour of "Crazy Ass Mom" and everyone would behave better!!!!

Celebrate Women!

March is Women's History Month!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been recently reminded of what is like to be a woman: strong and vulnerable, loving and full of venom, simple and complex all at the same time. Celebrate the women in your life today, tomorrow, and forever. They are vital and important to making this world work! If you are a woman, celebrate YOURSELF!!!

Link to a website: National Women's History Project

http://www.nwhp.org/

Check it out!

Quotes to celebrate women:
"Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any force." Dorothy L. Sayers

"A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me." Abraham Lincoln

"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty." Rudyard Kipling

Beware the Day After the Ides of March!

Here is my horoscope for March 16th:

You've been thinking about it for a while, and you're just about sure this is what you want to do. You're ready to forget your job and abandon your routine. You're done, you're over it and you've had it with trying to pretend otherwise. But before you do anything rash, shouldn't you at least talk to an elder who's been there before? Someone who can give you the benefit of experience? Yes, you should.

My interpretation: I should quit my job and move to the coast!!! I've just been waiting for a sign. AND HERE IT IS. Now, I have to convince Mr. Muse Girl, trick middle child into coming with me and leaving his great life behind. Okay, well, that was Plan A to be done and quit pretending.

Plan B: Compromise. Show up at work, but I won't pretend to be happy with any of it!!!!!!!!!!! Suck it, job, suck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offspring Time Warp

There have been many changes in Muse Girl's parenting realm lately. I often blog about my children's misgivings or misbehavings or my general heartbreak over parenting. This is the one job that I care about the most and the one the drains most of my energy. I find myself awestruck by all three of my offspring at one time right now and must, simply must relay these updates before they vanish as quickly as they have come.

Man Child: My sensitive, artistically talented hedonist has moved into an apt. owned by his grandma and enrolled in bartending school. He did this and then told us all about it. I'm happy he made decisions on his own. I'm glad he's moving forward rather than sitting still. I'm extra excited that he's chosen a career in a field that will personally benefit me. I loves me grown up drinks!!! Is this the perfect image I had for him at age 5? No, but am I happy for him, yes. He's doing what he wants his way. I say, "Brava!" PS. Got his nose pierced with some ring thing as well, and no--I ain't feelin his new look. WTF??????

Middle Child: My sports-minded, honor roll planner has become an official teenager. He turned 13 and has become quite involved with his gf. They meet at the movies on the weekends and spend lots of time on the phone. BTW, their conversations are BORING. I was forced to talk on the KITCHEN phone at his age (pre cell days) and I had to monitor my dialogue. I've listened to at least three of his phone calls with his gf and I was BORED to tears. They talked about sports and stupid stuff. Little Miss Flavor of the Week asked to speak to me on the phone yesterday. While she was not serious, he did hand the phone to me. Swear I thought I heard a 'tude in her voice. I played along, but made it clear who MAMA really is in all of this. I wanted to say, "Bitch, do you KNOW who the fuck you're talkin to????"

La Nina: My bittersweet, future dictator has shocked me the most. Overnight, she has begun to get herself out of the bath/shower. She cleans up behind herself and comes out dressed! She gets up on Saturday by herself, puts in a DVD, and makes her own cereal. No joke. She can work the remote and DVD completely without me. SCORE! She can also, to my lament, work my computer. I have it password protected (I ain't no dummy) but if I've been on, she'll wait for me to get up and she plays pinball. We've had to place the "ask first rule" on her that her brothers have had for awhile. She recognizes her letters now and practices those daily. I was convinced she was headed for an IEP or something just one month ago. Thank God she ain't stupid!

I've always said that parenting was the hardest thing I've ever come up against. It makes that rhetorical theory class from grad school seem like cake. I have a short, small reprieve from the hard shit and don't think I'm not fuckin takin it!!! I know I'll be blogging about the insanity of parenting again soon. I believe in yin and yang. BUT, for now, let's sit back, breathe, and
cheers to a little bit of a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!