M. I. A.

So, Muse Girl is dealing with some serious shit lately. Life has had a whole bucket of tennis balls, soft balls, baseballs, BALLS being thrown at one time. She WILL be back. She's covered up with CRAZY right now, it's all too true. BUT, it's hard to keep a good woman down. She's fightin' back with all she's got. So, if you're a die hard fan, all 2 of you, don't despair. She's not dead and buried, just k.o'd for a little while. Muse Girl has a bite that's all her own. So, when she reappears it probably won't be too perdy. Nut up or Shut up. She's ALL NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF? Universe is Crazy. Bitin' my Tongue.

According to the universe, there will be some unpredictablility in the next 24 hours. It has to do with planet alignment and shit. All I know is that I had to bite my tongue all mother fuckin day. ALL day. It could be Mercury; it could be my Menstrual, but whatever it is . . . Super Fuck.

Here are all the things I would've said (may not be in chronological order):

Upon waking: Mother Fucker, I have an early meeting. I cannot stand to look at _______ or _________. I have lost all respect for them.

While sitting in said meeting: Are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe I'm sitting her listening to this. Nut up and Shut up. You are a puppet. A pink, pink puppet.

Upon looking at my 1st group of responsibility: Take you outside? Fuck you. How bout you pull up your gd pants. Get out a fucking pencil. Shut your fuckin mouth. Learn something fucktard.

Upon looking at my 2nd group of responsibility: Really? Really. You think I'm gonna sit here doin nothing with you for a whole fuckin hour?? Really? Dumb asses.

Upon looking at my 3rd group of responsibility: What an asshole. Why? Why? Fuckin baby sitter. I'm a fuckin babysitter. Later during that hour: do you really think asshole is going to come back to here tomorrow and NOT be a total fucktard? He was one today, yesterday, the day before. Your balls are smaller than an infants. Do something already.

Blacked out negative thoughts for the last two hours of the work day. Absolutely can't keep up.

After work, on the phone with a relative: Really? I have to deal with this after I've worked all mother fuckin day? Seriously. Can't you just suck it up and deal?? Super Fuckkkkkkk.

Two hours ago upon entering my residence: Why the fuck is this place such a wreck? I'm tired. Tired. Tired. Don't wanna pick this shit up or put it back in its gd place. Don't want to fuckin cook dinner. Ugggggghhhhhhhhh.

Hospital Hallucinations

So, my madre is in the hospital hooked up from every oraface possible. She's trippin' her face off on the morphine she's been on since Tuesday. My sis and I get her to the ER via 911 the other day and that's where it all started. We're 15 mins. into the ER visit and we both decide to take Aleve. I have a headache; she has a backache. As we're swallowing the pills, mama yells from her bed for us to stop it. We shouldn't be doing that in there. When we explained, she states that she thought we were taking "sedatives"!!!!!!!! By God, what a great idea. Wish we'd thought about it! Here are a list of other bizarre, drug-induced sayings she's spouted in the last 48 hours:

1. Where'd she go to get that water? The well?? (She'd been gone 2 minutes)
2. That room should be the best since it's taken 'em all day long to "get it ready". (okay, I'll give her this one. We really were told this every 5 minutes for 4 hours straight)
3. I wish someone would sweep this room. That floor is a mess. The floor outside the door is a mess too, get that. (There was no mess on the floor.)
4. I fired that doctor last night. I told him i didn't sign for him. He was that Indian doctor. (He is her doctor. He is East Indian. He is freakin' AWESOME)
5. I told them I was insulted at that treatment. You just don't give someone an enema in an outdoor pavillion and not pull the curtains. And then that whole crowd of people showed up. (She had the enema in the privacy of her own room with one sweet, sweet tech in charge. No relatives from another state witnessed this event.)
6. Is that door closed? (it was the wall)
7. Why is the bathroom in the hallway? (It's two feet from her bed).
8. Is that supposed to be a shirt? (eyes were closed. who knows!)
9. We were thinking about getting a keeper for her. ( In reference to my older sister. She does need a keeper sometimes)
10. I'd prefer that you two not drink that beer in this hospital. (we were reading quietly. There was no alcohol in the hospital nor any mention of boozing it up!)

Don't mean to make light of mom's misery. It is a serious time, but those who know Muse Girl know that humor is my coping mechanism. This is how I get through the tough times!!! You are allowed to laugh at this!!! It's some funny shit.

Best Idea EVER!

I was watching middle child play Modern Warfare 2 and freaking out. It's awful! Bloody, gruesome, and disturbing. Every 5 seconds I'd say, "This is awful." He got real tired of all that nonsense real quick. However, this game did spark an exciting idea for me! The game makers are missing out on an entire marketing demographic: the multi-tasking, tired-ass, soccer moms who work too.
They could create a game called "Crazy Ass Mom" in which the mom chooses her weapon to destroy the washer and dryer. She could hold a gun to game husband's head while he washes the dishes. She would say, "Wash 'em bitch!" She could target shoot with dirty underwear left on the floor. She could flip her child off and say, "Drive yourself to soccer, bratface." Instead of grocery shopping, she could hold up the KFC for a bucket of chicken to bring home to the family. "I said 2 sides, Mother Fucker, 2!!!" "More beans, asshole, more!"

She could have a big ole AK under the covers and say, "Come near me tonight and I'm blowing your gentles off."

I'm tellin you this game would sell. Tired ass moms all over the country would relax and unwind with an hour of "Crazy Ass Mom" and everyone would behave better!!!!

Celebrate Women!

March is Women's History Month!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been recently reminded of what is like to be a woman: strong and vulnerable, loving and full of venom, simple and complex all at the same time. Celebrate the women in your life today, tomorrow, and forever. They are vital and important to making this world work! If you are a woman, celebrate YOURSELF!!!

Link to a website: National Women's History Project

http://www.nwhp.org/

Check it out!

Quotes to celebrate women:
"Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any force." Dorothy L. Sayers

"A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me." Abraham Lincoln

"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty." Rudyard Kipling

Beware the Day After the Ides of March!

Here is my horoscope for March 16th:

You've been thinking about it for a while, and you're just about sure this is what you want to do. You're ready to forget your job and abandon your routine. You're done, you're over it and you've had it with trying to pretend otherwise. But before you do anything rash, shouldn't you at least talk to an elder who's been there before? Someone who can give you the benefit of experience? Yes, you should.

My interpretation: I should quit my job and move to the coast!!! I've just been waiting for a sign. AND HERE IT IS. Now, I have to convince Mr. Muse Girl, trick middle child into coming with me and leaving his great life behind. Okay, well, that was Plan A to be done and quit pretending.

Plan B: Compromise. Show up at work, but I won't pretend to be happy with any of it!!!!!!!!!!! Suck it, job, suck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offspring Time Warp

There have been many changes in Muse Girl's parenting realm lately. I often blog about my children's misgivings or misbehavings or my general heartbreak over parenting. This is the one job that I care about the most and the one the drains most of my energy. I find myself awestruck by all three of my offspring at one time right now and must, simply must relay these updates before they vanish as quickly as they have come.

Man Child: My sensitive, artistically talented hedonist has moved into an apt. owned by his grandma and enrolled in bartending school. He did this and then told us all about it. I'm happy he made decisions on his own. I'm glad he's moving forward rather than sitting still. I'm extra excited that he's chosen a career in a field that will personally benefit me. I loves me grown up drinks!!! Is this the perfect image I had for him at age 5? No, but am I happy for him, yes. He's doing what he wants his way. I say, "Brava!" PS. Got his nose pierced with some ring thing as well, and no--I ain't feelin his new look. WTF??????

Middle Child: My sports-minded, honor roll planner has become an official teenager. He turned 13 and has become quite involved with his gf. They meet at the movies on the weekends and spend lots of time on the phone. BTW, their conversations are BORING. I was forced to talk on the KITCHEN phone at his age (pre cell days) and I had to monitor my dialogue. I've listened to at least three of his phone calls with his gf and I was BORED to tears. They talked about sports and stupid stuff. Little Miss Flavor of the Week asked to speak to me on the phone yesterday. While she was not serious, he did hand the phone to me. Swear I thought I heard a 'tude in her voice. I played along, but made it clear who MAMA really is in all of this. I wanted to say, "Bitch, do you KNOW who the fuck you're talkin to????"

La Nina: My bittersweet, future dictator has shocked me the most. Overnight, she has begun to get herself out of the bath/shower. She cleans up behind herself and comes out dressed! She gets up on Saturday by herself, puts in a DVD, and makes her own cereal. No joke. She can work the remote and DVD completely without me. SCORE! She can also, to my lament, work my computer. I have it password protected (I ain't no dummy) but if I've been on, she'll wait for me to get up and she plays pinball. We've had to place the "ask first rule" on her that her brothers have had for awhile. She recognizes her letters now and practices those daily. I was convinced she was headed for an IEP or something just one month ago. Thank God she ain't stupid!

I've always said that parenting was the hardest thing I've ever come up against. It makes that rhetorical theory class from grad school seem like cake. I have a short, small reprieve from the hard shit and don't think I'm not fuckin takin it!!! I know I'll be blogging about the insanity of parenting again soon. I believe in yin and yang. BUT, for now, let's sit back, breathe, and
cheers to a little bit of a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Addicted . . . to Snow

Thank you George Washington et al. I had the day off to celebrate and remember the dead white guys that ran this country a long, long time ago!!! I was excited to have an extra day to tackle the extra sucky chores that I put off all weekend. I kept La Nina home from day care and we had fun, four year old style. However, I realized that I have a problem.

I am Muse Girl, and I am a Snow Whore!

I spent the better part of my day whizzing between Weather Channel site and local weather sites as it snowed on and off all day. It melted once and snowed all over again. I became obsessed. I studied radar maps over and over again trying to determine:

1) if any more snow was coming this way

2) if it would be significant

3) what time it would hit

4) if it would melt and re-freeze overnight

5) if my county school system had called off school tomorrow.

This nonsense went on for hours!!!!! I worked on laundry and played in a lame attempt to combat the urge to "watch" the radar. So, I've decided that I'm a huge loser who spent the better part of her day hoping for ANOTHER day off tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in the Mood for . . . Valentine's Day!!!

I love this holiday!!!! My favorite colors, red and pink, are splashed in every store from New Year's until now. In honor of one of my fave holidays, I'm listing descriptions of the most memorable!

3rd grade, February 1977--It was a cold Saturday and I sat on the living room floor of our modest mobile home watching The Little Rascals re-runs. I carefully used the mimeographed list of my class, my best pen, and my best handwriting to address my notes of love. I picked the best for my best friends and boys who I chased around the playground. I left the ones that I liked least for the kids who annoyed me or smelled.

9th grade, February 1983--I baked a nice one layer cake, frosted it, decorated it, and lugged it to school for my boyfriend. I had broken up with the love of my life for this guy. I wore a white skirt, hose, dress shoes and a pretty blouse. He didn't want the cake, broke up with me, and I started my period WHILE WEARING THE WHITE SKIRT! I borrowed a friend's jacket, tied it around my waist, approached the witchy teacher, explained my situation and ran to the nurse. She took pity on me. I removed my skirt and hose etc. She took them to home ec. while I sat wrapped in a blanket on the gurney in her office. She washed, dried and returned them! I missed all of two classes that I hated anyway. I hugged her and cried when she returned them and told her of my broken heart. She cried too. Shittiest Valentine's EVER!

10th grade, February 1984--It snowed like a mother fucker. We missed, like, two straight weeks of school! The snow was a few feet at least. My parents got out and went to the store before the storm hit. My loving mom stocked me up with tons of girl mags!!! She got me cool color/girl things to do while snowed in. It Rocked!

Grown up grade/February 1997--I went into labor at about 6 in the morning. It had snowed and iced over night. I weighed 175 lbs. and my child was 2 weeks PAST DUE. I would have crawled on my hands and knees in a foot of snow to the gd hospital if forced to do so! Easy labor--3hours, good drugs!!!!, and a beautiful 9 lb 13 oz baby boy was born on that Valentine's Day!!!! Every year I celebrate the holiday, I believe that he is the BEST Valentine's present I've ever gotten. He turns 13 years old tomorrow!!!!!!!! What a true blessing.

Happy Fuckin Valentine's Day Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fashion Disaster; Fashion Crisis!!

So, I missed the Grammy's last night. THANK GOD! This a.m. I begin previewing the fashion pics of the "stars" before having my coffee. BIG mistake. WTF? Seriously? Did they all give ALL of the $$ to the Haiti disaster relief last week or what? I flipped through about 45 pics of various "talent" that were showcased in their evening wear. By slide 5, I was looking for some hemlock or a stiff rope & chair. I look better in my bathrobe this a.m.

My consensus:

• too much glitter and body hugging, too short
• a lot of somebodies don't know what size they REALLY are
• even my beautiful Nikki Kidman looked horrid--her dress made her head look HUGE and unnatual
• The boys all looked spectacular-even the JoBlows
• Kathy Griffin was beautiful and tasteful (as always)
• Taylor Swift's dress was pretty but fell short on her 10 year old body
• Why must Heidi Klum show us her Mama breasts ALL the time??? You're breast feeding, you were a Victoria Secret bra model, they're big, they're beautiful, they have their own zip code. WE GET IT! Have some decorum and put 'em away now that they are functional.
• Did I mention too much glitter and ill fitting clothing?

In summary, Hollywood is in crisis and clearly needs some disaster relief of their own.

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.

Well, hell, I'm sure in trouble. We all know Einstein knew a thing or two. Here are the compositions that have been running through my mind the last few days while I've been out for snow:

Ode to My Yoga Pants
You love me when I'm skinny,
you love me when I'm plump.
You love me when I'm busy
or sitting on my rump.

Ode to My Heineken
I love the way you taste
I promise not to waste
One lovely drop of your elixir
you"re a bottle of life's fixer.

Ode to My Sheets
Thank you for your warm embrace
You hide me from the world
that I cannot bear to face.

Okay, that's all I have written on each so far. I've been composing for about 48 hours now. I loves me creature comforts, I do. Mayhaps, I'll start thinking in a more high minded direction. Bahhaaaa, who the fuck am I kidding??? We all know where my thoughts lie---way down low.
XOXO Snow Days!!!!!

F off Mr. Video Store Worker

So, I found my muse tonight in Anger. She's such a comfortable friend. Loooovvveee her!
I take La Nina to the video rental place after work to take movies back and rent her Barbie's Diamond Castle. We are checking out and he (who btw-needs to bathe, shave, get a haircut, some modern glasses, and lose 10 lbs) asks, "Have you heard about our Power Play Program." Because I know that the poor guys makes under $10 an hour and HAS to ask this question, I smile sweetly and reply, "Oh, yes, many times." What I wanted to say was, "Every fucking time I'm trying to rent a movie here. You'd think you people understand, 'no means no' by now!" BUT, I refrain. So, he smugly sniffs and pushes his 1960's unflattering frames onto his nose and says, "Well, you could've saved $27 this month already." At this point, I am PISSED. I want to say, "You talkin' to ME?" or "Did I ASK you a question?" BUT, once again, I just give him THE STARE. I reply with flipness, "Guess, I just like to waste my money. Maybe you'll get a raise, honey." Target hit. Point taken. He SHUT up. I want to start handing out a card at the beginning of these little encounters that reads:

Caution. You are talking to one CRAZY ass bitch who has spent the better part of her day biting her tongue, censoring her language, and ignoring stupid, annoying people. She cannot be trusted to not: curse you, cut your gentles off and feed them to you, bitch slap you with both hands, or make you regret eye contact. Speak as little as possible, look down at all times, and by all means do not get uppity with her!

A Muse by Any Other Name

This painting is titled Hesiod Listening to the Inspiration of the Muse
(Edmond-Francois Aman-Jean). Side note: Hesiod, an ancient Greek writer/poet, was given the poetic inspiration by the Muses while tending sheep. Go figure.

My Muse visited me today by channeling through one of my dear friends! She has been aware of my latest plight to reclaim my inner/outer Muse. She related the plot to a novel today in which the character is a writer who has lost his Muse because the ghostly/spirit that had been attached to him has left him to go on somewhere else. Perhaps my Muse was an apparition, a spirit, who is now occupying other places??? To believe this theory, first one must believe in spirits. Check.

The weird coincidence is that I had been feeling for about 3 months that a particular person who had passed was trying to use me in some way to communicate with its living relative. I know, I know, it sounds so fucking crazy (even for me!). I kept this little tidbit to myself for most of the three months because I knew people would think I had really lost my shit. I had a nagging feeling that the spirit (for lack of a better word) was hanging around because it needed or wanted me to do something in relationship to one of its living loved ones with whom I was acquainted. Finally, after I was able to voice it to one person who was closely related to the situation, I felt a little relief. I began to tell a few others.
Finally, one day something urged me to sit down and create a poem for that person. I did (see below) and passed it on through the mutual party. It was very soon after this time that I began struggling with my creative impulses. I don't know if it was my Muse and if it left, but I wouldn't count that possibility out. I don't know if a Muse is back for good or not. Time will tell on that one. I won't be purposefully inviting a new Muse to me. You never know what you will get when you do that! For now, I'm feeling hopeful.

Poem inspired by my former spirit Muse for his living loved one:

For **

He misses you angel
The sadness haunts him
Even beyond us now

Love strong and love long
He wants you to know
Even without him now

He guides you angel
The warm glow follows you
Even beside you now

Forget and be free
He wants you to know
Even without him now

He loves you angel
The wake of his soul comforts
Even beyond us now.

Epistle to My Muse

Dearest Muse,

I am lost without you. Please come back. I have spent days, hours searching for you. I have spent hours in the innocence of my child and you were not there. I have looked for reasons to be angry, which always summons you to my side, and nothing. No Muse. I have lit candles, soaked in tubs of hot water and still . . . nothing. I have spent hours in a fever and drug induced sleep and nothing . . . still. I have listened to tunes of sorrow, tunes of love, tunes of happiness, and you are no where to be found. I have faced the ugliest parts of myself and my life with eyes wide open and no, you are not there either. I have prayed with heartfelt sincerity for those I know and love, those who make my heart ache, and those in a country devastated by tragedy and still . . . nothing. I have meditated with open minded clarity in search of your touch but you elude me even still. Your absence haunts me. Return soon.

Muse Girl

Hide and Seek

Embarking on a quest to find Muse Girl's inner muse. She's AWOL. I'm going to keep a hand-written diary, like in the olden days, for a few days. I'm searching for her . . . maybe if I have a retro-fest and do it the old fashioned way, I'll find her!! I imagine soul searching could require a lot of alone time. A lot of Heineken. A few hot baths by candlelight. I've been stressed like a mother fucker and can't shake it. I complain loudly about little things, but the deep, scary shit stays shoved way down deep for a reason. However, it occurs to me that poor Muse Girl has been smothered a bit lately. So, gonna embark on a weekend of de-stressing. Will post old school diary entries in a few days!

The Post that Almost Didn't Happen

Mr. Muse Girl walks by and sees I'm on the computer. We're sharing one computer now so it sucks. He says, "You gonna blog tonight?" He's a HUGE fan. I said nonchalantly, "Nope." He asks, "Why not?" I answer, "Becuz, I don't have nothin' to write about. Nothin." He starts listing suggestions:

1. Write about how much I piss you off.
Me: There just isn't enough computer memory space nor time in a day ole boy. I could start with the laundry I asked you to do today, but I ended up doing--along with everything else, but I won't.

2. Write about how we both got our parking places.
Me: You'd think we live in NYC. It's a stupid parking war we each have with different sets of apt. neighbors. LAME. BUT, FYI-we are winning!!!!

He quit suggesting at this point because I showed a general lack of appreciation for his creative input.

The muse must be on a fabulous vacay because Muse Girl really and truly has no inspiration or desire to blog tonight!!! Muse Girl is going to take a bubble bath and drink an adult beverage or too. Who knows, maybe the muse will find me after a few of those??? I'll title it: The Drunken Post or The Post of the Inebriate or A Post to Dionysus.

Weird Confession

Okay, I admit that while blogging, I have a mouth like a sailor. You might be surprised to find that I pray faithfully twice a day. Once in the a.m. and once in the p.m. The strangest thing happened last night while I was saying my night time prayers! First a disclaimer: it was after midnight, I was being inched out of my bedspace by la nina, Mr. Muse Girl was snoring up a storm and I had taken some Benadryl to help me sleep. Anyway--so, I'm saying my prayers outloud in my head and suddenly I slip into a British accent for like four words. I stop and giggle a little. I ask for forgiveness and continue. I slip BACK into the British accent AGAIN. Now, I cannot affect a British accent while fully awake and aloud at ALL. I suck it up pretty badly when I try. However, I tell you that I was flawless. I cut my prayers short with a quick AMEN and continued by listing in my head the things that I would accomplish today, but with a British accent. Not a Jane Seymour, Julie Andrews accent but a Jane Leeves from Frasier type thing. Very blue collar, very cockney. I couldn't stop!!! Finally, I exhausted this folly and fell into a sleep. I cannot even begin to re-create this inner dialogue for you and feel silly even trying BUT I'm gonna! I'll just list a few of the items on my agenda for today. You must picture a Bridget Jones, Daphne Crane etc. type accent for this:

1. Right, so I'll pop to the exercise room for a bit of walking.

2. Next, I'll grab a bite to eat then.

3. Going to take the little one to the shops. Hope he doesn't bugger it up.

4. If there's time, I'll color me hair before returning from holiday.

5. Oh, a bit of wash is in order as well. Not a spot of clean laundry to be had!

Oh, Bugger me!!! This was Fun!!!!