Muse Girl's Favorite Things and World Peace Promo

***Breaking News***Check in with muse girl on New Year’s Day to read her top 5 list for promoting World Peace! And as a special bonus feature, she will be listing (in the style of Julie Andrew’s from The Sound of Music) 10 of her most favorite things!! You won’t be disappointed!!!You’ll certainly find me there… Cheers!
Posted by blither blather

I recently challenged Blither Blather Blogger to find the positive side of 10 things that I KNEW would be hard for even her. I issued the challenge as a way to reconcile with her new found optimism that was chapping my ass but hard! pause for quote:

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
Havelock EllisEnglish sexual psychologist (1859 - 1939)

So, she issued her own challenge of sorts to me. I spent hours rising to the occasion. So, here are my favorite things in Julie Andrew's fashion:

Paint drops on canvas and chocolate on ice cream

Little girl giggles and a winning soccer team

Bright silver bracelets and 2 shiny rings

These are a few of my favorite things.

Warm comfy jammies and slow sexy tunes

Kisses and crisp sheets and long lazy afternoons

Dragonflies that dance with the sun on their wings

These are a few of my favorite things.

Toes in white sandals with petal pink sheen

Candy that melts in my mouth at Halloween

Roaring log fires that pop, hiss, and sing

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the child cries, when the husband scolds, when I'm feeling

tense

I simply remember my favorite things

and then I don't feel so pissed.

Top 5 ways to Promote World Peace as suggested by Muse Girl:

1. Everyone in the US embraces imported beer. It is more satisfying than domestic. Satisfaction=happiness=peaceful

2. Hour long lunches followed by 30 minute naps on a daily basis.

Sated and well-rested people=peaceful people

3. Madatory Mood Stablizing pills for the entire population.

High and happy=peaceful

4. Free weekly massage therapy for everyone who wants it!

relaxed=peaceful

5. F-bomb comes off the curse word naughty list and is accepted in mainstream society as an acceptable release of anger/frustration.

unrestrained=peaceful

Happy F'ing New Years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tribute to My Dad

Today marks the 7th anniversary of my father's passing. I'm not a sentimental gal and handle grief in a very strange way. I don't miss him anymore on this day than I do any other day of the year. I shed tears over his absence on happy occasions--like birthdays and accomplishments. I thought this year I would honor his life, not his death, with a blog post.

was born in 1923 in North Carolina. His grandparents on both sides were tobacco farmers around the Durham, NC area. His father was a US postman and his mother a homemaker.

He had 3 siblings; two of whom preceded him in death. He went straight from the graduation stage to serving in the army during WWII. He was also a veteran of the Korean War as well. He and my mom met as they both worked as accountants for Bellsouth (called something else then). Their relationship began as he through paper clips at her desk to get her attention. They kept their relationship under wraps for awhile, I understand. He was 7 years her senior.

He was the father to 3 girls; I'm the youngest. He was 46 when I was born!!!! Most interesting fact is that he was the accountant for some mob guys in Miami in the early 60's! I remember a dad who hurt when we hurt and loved when we loved. He was strict, but funny. He loved ice cream, Ronald Reagan, and learning.

My three fave memories of all time:

1. When I was barely married, still in college, and found myself pregnant, he told me it would all be okay. He was the sound, solid voice among chaos for me.

2. When I had moved back to town, divorced, and working a crappy job, he would make me omelets for lunch with sooooo much love!

3. He outed my tattoo to my mom when I was 31 (I'd had it for a year!) with such delight.

Thanks to my dad for all that he was and all that lives on in me now!

Anti-Resolutions for 2010

Dictionary.com defines "resolution":

res⋅o⋅lu⋅tion 
–noun
1.
a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.
2.
a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.
3.
the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
4.
the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

For the record, I don't really make resolutions. I realized a long time ago that it was all a giant waste of my time. If I were really going to do those things, I would have already accomplished them. Middle Child asked me recently what my resolutions were going to be this year. I explained my jaded theory and felt bad after he quietly agreed. Should have let him figure this one out on his own. I think I'm going to focus on all of the things I should do but won't and list the things I wish I could make happen in 2010.

Things I should do in 2010 but probably won't:

1. stop facebooking so much

2. stop blogging so much

3. stop texting so much

4. stop feeling negative feelings/thoughts towards others

5. stop putting things off until the last minute

6. stop sitting on my ass and exercise

7. stop drinking so much Heineken

8. stop worrying about my children so much

9. stop watching reality TV-skews the perspective

10. stop having regrets

List of wishes for 2010:

1. I wish I could live more authentically in all areas of my life.

2. I wish I could accept the magic in my life.

3. I wish I could develop my creative interests.

4. I wish I could lovingly embrace my age.

5. I wish I could have more self indulgent moments.

THE END!

Christmas Hangover

Oh, hell. I don't know if this was this best Christmas ever or the worst. I've just had so fuckin many. I'm a hundred years old now anyway. Every Christmas seems one or the other at some point in the 24 hour Eve/Day period, right? I remember when I was going through the sticky situation of who "gets" the boys during Christmas after my divorce. I was never all that hung up on the whole I've got to have them on that day thing. If you look at it as Jesus's birthday, what does that have to do with the boys being with me or not? If you look at it as the whole pagan Santa gift thing, can't I do that on any day of the week/month? Yep, I can. This was Man-Child's first Christmas not living under either roof. Weird, yes. Astonomically-life-changing, no.

What I wanted most for him was for him to be happy being wherever the fuck he wanted to be. Really, no kidding. I'm always trapped in the obligatory need to invite my sister et al over for holidays. I like hangin with her most days but it seems when it comes to "special" days, somebody shows their ass. Guess what? T-giving went well. I guess that was too much. I cooked for what seemed like days to host a loving breakfast for the members of my family. It was a labor of love and my gift to them. I won't go on with the story but no one really seemed to truly value what my offer was meant to be. I let the feelings slide right by as quickly as they came, but when I try to recount it for others, I can't come up with a whole lot of positive comments.

All in all, la nina loved the pink plastic crap Santa brought. Mr. Muse Girl had a big Christmas this year. Middle child and Man Child seemed happy to be around and have never had an ungrateful Christmas ever! Muse Girl is staying up late and sleeping in. She's wishing for some quiet time or time to herself. Time that isn't bogarted by a need from some direction. Time that is hers to spend in frivolous, self-indulgent behavior. Santa doesn't bring time though, does he?????

PS-contemplating the futile efforts of New Year's Curses . . . I mean Resolutions. Next post topic. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Bad Advice from the Cock

Horoscope for the Year of the Rooster for Tuesday:

If you've been working out a lot over the past few months, you should celebrate your new physical capabilities. Rock climbing or kayaking, or any other form of vigorous exercise is favorable. You'll really be able to appreciate your physical accomplishments today.

I've only got three letters, WTF? What about napping and eating are favorable? "New Physical Capabilities"? bbbbaaaaaahhhaaaaaahaaaaa, yeah right. I think the astrono-psychics need to "put the bong down."

It's Getting HOT in Here!

Two of my dearest friends began describing hot flashes to me about a year ago. Because I'm freezing 99.9% of the time, I really had little sympathy for them. Inner firestarter is a bad thing? I laughed when they fanned and pulled off clothes.

Karma, ladies, Karma has bitten me on the ass.

Here's the whole delicious story for the two of them:

It was 38 degrees outside. I dressed in layers: long sleeve tee, sweater, coat, scarf, gloves. (pants too, of course). I'm popping around CVS gathering items. I'm in a hurry to go home and take a nap. Middle Child is walking around taking his sweet time shopping. We finally make it to the register. As the girl is ringing up my items, it hits me out of no where. I feel the inner fire begin burning and it gets more intense. Time slows to almost a halt in that one instant. I was confused and a little disoriented because this was happening. Where did this come from? I unzip my coat. I pull off the gloves. NO RELIEF! I stare at the clerk. Is she really there? Why is she moving so slowly? Is it really possible for her to be so insensitive??? I look at Middle Child and decide not to say anything. I unzip the sweater. Nothing. I fan my coat back and forth. Nothing. Finally, sales girl is done with me. Now Middle Child is paying for his purchases! Will it EVER end? I'm dying. Dying. I scoop up my packages and head for the door as fast as my legs will go! I call over my shouldeer, "Meet you in the car!" The automatic doors open, a gust of cold air blasts my body. Instead of my usual bracing for the cold, I EMbrace it. Ahhhhhhh. Small relief. I throw the coat, the sweater, and the gloves in the back seat of the car for the trip home. It came. It went. If fucked me up! I was shocked and appalled at what just happened to my body. I hope it is a LONG time before that happens again.

Yes, Muse Girl, There Is a Santa Claus!

The holidays have been sneaking up on me gradually this year. Thanksgiving was everything I had hoped for and then some. It's almost like I forgot about all the ones that come after that. . . Mr. Muse Girl put up and decorated the tree this year. I made absolutely no protests. Not because I'm the best wife on the planet (which I am, btw), but because I just didn't really care about it this year. GASP! A week later, I put out other decorations with a small spark of holiday cheer in my tiny Grinch heart. I put a plan in place a month ago to work my second job to get Christmas $$ this year. Last year at Christmas, Mr. Muse Girl had lost his business, we knew the house was next, and money was almost non existent to purchase anything extra. I wanted to replace Mr. Muse Girl's wedding band that he lost working in the swamps of Mississippi about 6 months afo. After I earned some extra $$, I gave it away to a family member who needed it far more desperately than Mr. Muse Girl's cause. The poor man will always have that invisible ball and chain wrapped tightly around his neck . . . I mean ankle, why does he need a ring too??
So, I began to think of Valentine's Day as the holiday for the ring giving. I wished for Santa. I wished that I could just ask Santa for some help this year. AND then . . . the story takes a small diversion.
I almost NEVER check my mail anymore. It involves getting out of the car, using the key to open the box . . . I mean really, why bother for a bunch of fucking bad news everyday? And those ads. Don't they realize that people live in an apt. FOR A REASON. Anyway. So, two weeks go by, i figure there's an electric bill or something in there. So, I stop and get the mail.
OOOOO score!! The magazine I begrudgingly ordered through Middle Child's fundraiser is here finally. I brought the mail home and sorted between junk for shredding, bills, and cards. One mysterious envelope had my name typed and no return address. I left to run errands assuming that it was a solicitation from someone who was praying on the recently down trodden. When I got home, Mr. said, "I opened your mail." I replied, "Thank God, cuz I wasn't going to."
Then he showed me the mysterious envelope contained:
a $100.00 gift card to Walmart and said "From Santa"
NO KIDDING! At first I was dubious and looked it over thinking something was amiss. Nope, completely legit. The only question remains . . . WHO is my Santa???? I made Mr. take a handwriting test right on the spot. Nope. So, WHO????
I may never find out. But, I am thankful and grateful for this generous, anonymous gift. It will go to provide some goodies for my children and that makes me sooooo happy. I think I may have found my Christmas Spirit. It made me want to do this for someone else in the same way next year. So, yes, Muse Girl Readers, there is a Santa!

Til Death Do Us Part

Okay, Muse Girl readers, I need your help to solve an argument with the Mr. Of course, I know that I am right, but let's do this just for kicks, shall we? The other night at dinner, middle child is having a discussion with us about something (topic really does escape me). The subject of how long Mr. and I have been married comes up in this conversation. I say that we were married in 04, Mr. says 03. We debate back and forth citing alleged proof. Middle Child, ever helpful, jumps up and says "I'll go check the Marriage thingey you have framed in your room." He comes back laughing and announces that it was indeed 03. So, Mr. is right.

Here's the argument: I say it is no big deal that I forgot. He says if the tables were turned and he forgot, that I would create the holiest of wars to exact my revenge. I say that I would not because does it really matter??? I mean, we are clearly STILL married and 99.9% of that time is happily married. So, who is right? Is it a big deal that I missed it by one year?

Sound off!

I'M BAAACCKK!

As much as I wanted to retire and revel in my former blogging memories, I find that I miss it too much. I know, it's very Garth Brooks retiring, still touring, one album just for Walmart, change my name come back as a rock star and new haircut, tour again as Garth . . . . I'm tired of having conversations in my head. I'm tired of boring my friends trying to work in would-be blog posts into the conversation. Mr. Muse Girl was reeeeaaaaalllly disappointed in my retirement. So, don't I owe it to marital committments and bliss to return? My only regret in returning is that I was enjoying calling myself "theartistformerlyknownasmusegirl."

Grand Finale

Readers this is the final Muse Girl posting!





After our guest left at about 4 p.m., we all three took a Turkey-induced nap. Upon waking I found some spicy pics on my camera! Mr. Muse Girl and I got to work right away producing a movie using the scintillating evidence left behind! It was too big to post, so I've posted the pics in order in the next post. So, if you're ready for some Thanksgiving Porn, here you go:





(Script recreated by Muse Girl based on the nature of the pics!)





The figurrs are in their resting place and notice the house is quiet. Inna (female) says to Ochio (0-chee-o) "You never take me anywhere anymore. We never do ANYTHING but sit here and watch life go by"


O: "Well, what do you want? What will make you happy?"


I : "I want to go out. I want to party! I'm still a woman. You don't even notice me anymore."


Tears begin.


O: "Oh, hell, I'll take you to dinner. We'll have a party afterwards. Just stop all the gd crying already!"


I: (sniffs) Okay, only if you really want to."


O: go get perdy.


Inna goes off to the bathroom of the dollhouse to clean up.


Ochio goes to the doll computer to update his status on his My Space.


They go have a romantic plastic dinner on Princess dinnerware.


I: "Oh, Ochio, I feel twenty years old again!"


O: "Great. Does that mean you'll put out tonight?"


They leave and go get in the hot tub.


Their party guests arrive. Aqua Barbie and Max Thunder (ex Porn-Star)


"We're out here in the hot tub!"


Max: "Whoo-hoo! Let's get this party started" (removes pants and jumps in)


They all share a beer and some laughs. The men decide it's time for some drunken, naked, deck-diving and head upstairs.


They shout their manhood statements from the balcony.


The gals cheer them on below.


Max jumps without much grace and promptly falls rocking his dome.


Barbie runs to embrace him. They share a moment of drunken love.


I: O, baby, don't jump, please.


O: What? You don't think I'm maaaan enough? I'm ALL man baby. ALL man. He reaches for his shorts waistband.


I: O, you drunken stupid bastard! Keep your gd shorts on and get your dumb drunken ass down here out the front door before I come up there and beat the living shit out of you!


O: Okay. But if I do, will you put out tonight?


I: Get the fuck down here, now.


Ochio emerges from the front door. Barbie and Max have begun drinking again. Inna and Ochio join in and they take some more fun pics. Ochio tells them he's going the bathroom. He really goes to his computer to post the new pics as his status update on his My Space. The girls and Max go back to the hot tub for some hot fun. Ochio joins them for one more round of drunken hot tub games. Friends don't let friends drive drunk; so, Inna and Ochio let Barbie and Max sleep over. Inna and Ochio go sleep it off on the couch. A few seconds later, Ochio smiles and lights a stolen cig from Mr. Muse Girl. They all load up and drive to eat some more plastic pretend food and pretend it's Cracker Barrell. Inna and Ochio arrange themselves back in their resting place.


O: Well, was it everything you hoped it would be?


I : Sure, let's go with that.


O: Well, as long as your happy.


I : Did you delete all those pics????


O: oooops.


I : Great. You know that depraved woman that sits at the computer is gonna plaster us all over the internet now. . I'll never show my face at another yard sale or white elephant exchange again!There went my respectability


O: Sure, let's go with that.


The End!

Thanksgiving Success

Very, very glad that I decided to host again. It was the most perfect Thanksgiving in many, many years! The food rocked, family behaved, and it was all over by 4:00. Thanks for the encouragement. I would not have wanted to miss out on this!

Retirement

Well, guys, I've decided that I'm retiring from the blogging biz. I wanted to blog for a long time before I started. I had a private blog for awhile and encouraged others to start. I made mine public and have really enjoyed the experience. Surprisingly, one of my biggest "fans" has been Mr. Muse Girl. He loves checking in on my blogs. It has brought us closer. My man child even became a reader after I interviewed him about the "figurrs." I have decided that I would love for my faithful readers to leave one last comment telling me their fave post of all from Muse Girl's Thoughts. I'll leave the blog up until after Thanksgiving and may post again until the weekend when I retire it all for good. Honestly, it's just an outlet for nervous creative energy that had no where to go. It was a way to fill empty time that is no longer really empty. I don't want to lose my title, so I'll leave the last post on Muse Girl's Thoughts to keep it on hold in case I ever come out of retirement. So, please, if you read my blog-even if you don't "follow" officially, leave an anonymous comment on your fave blog post!
X-O-X-O

Verdict on the Big Turkey Day is in

Yes. I am cooking. Good advice from other people and my own real desires win and I am cooking! I never really have to "clean up" afterwards but I clean as I cook so there's that. We have new attendees this year who have never attended. It will be more casual than in years passed. I will be drinking more than in years passed. I am excited about it no matter what. I want to feed the people I care about. BTW, my mom, who rolled out the red carpet on holiday dinners, told my sis that I was going to order a turkey and serve potato chips. Funny. No, I'm not serving potato chips. There will be honest to God, real, from scratch whipped potatoes. I guess when I used the words "casual" and "not a big production" she got confused???

Watch Out!

Gosh, got a mean streak comin like a mother fucker. It was provoked btw. I play nice. UNTIL you fuck with me or mine. Sooooooo, have had a lot of fun recently plotting against a particularly irritating prick in my side. Did I say prick? I guess I meant bitch. Did I say bitch? I guess I meant crick. Anywhoo. Every been backstabbed? Ever felt like you were "All in This Together" (High School Musical Song)? Only to find out all but ONE? Or maybe TWO? There are those who cannot think or speak for themselves after all and blindly follow where no man should ever go and how two ever did is a freakin' MIRACLE! I'm bringin it. It is slow to come but will indeed come.

Dictionary.com says:

back⋅stab:
–verb (used with object), -stabbed, -stab⋅bing.
to attempt to discredit (a person) by underhanded means, as innuendo, accusation, or the like

Urban dictionary says:

backstab

Pretending to stick up for you at work and later you find out they've been talking trash about you. (In fact, saying the exact opposite). Striking you down from behind.
Jon told me that he stuck up for me. But he actually voted to get me fired and he knew in advance it was going to happen. He backstabs.

I say:

Watch your back.

La Nina's Fashion Strike!!!!

La Nina Loca's fashion strike actually began at the tender age of about 2 1/2. Before she could speak fluently, she made her opinions known about her clothes--what she wanted to wear and NOT wear. I was fortunate enough to receive donations to her closet before she could walk from multiple sources in multiple sizes. I painstakingly separated these donations by size and season. Every season and size change, I'd pull out the bin and we'd separate by what she would and would not wear. Swear. I found that the Fall stage for this age was short and went shopping a few weeks ago. I made her go and pronounce opinions on my selections for her. She said yes to few and no to most. We came home with about 5 tops (didn't need bottoms). Out of those 5, she has refused to wear all but 1. Yes, ONE.
Every morning I choose either one or two outfits. We fight. I win some but lose more. She'll agree to bottoms but NO tops or a top but no bottoms or a dress that requires an undershirt and NO undershirts etc. I will pick something that she loved and chose last week and it is instantly rejected this week. There appears no rhyme or reason to her whimsy. Sometimes I believe she is geniuine in her dislike but most of the time I just think she's being a dictatorial bitch. Loveable, adorable--dictatorial bitch.
Side note-as I write she has changed into her bathing suit and sandles (it is 6:40 in the evening and NOVEMBER).
This last weekend I decided we'd end this whole she-bang. I was DONE with this daily bite me on the ass sting first thing in the morning. We went through clothes together. She ditched all 4 new shirts but the one. We went up a size in our donation boxes b/c I'm desperate. She wanted to ditch almost all of it!!! There were tears (hers and mine). Spankings. Harsh Words (hers and mine). Daddy got involved. Nothing was really solved. It was an emotional standstill--fashion truce of 2009. I gave up a whole lot more than she did, for the record.
So, Monday morning came. I presented two options. Neither were accepted. There were tears, harsh words, and we were back to square one. We pulled a Frankenstein together and the end result looked like Cyndi Lauper had thrown up her fashion taste all over my la nina. Teal t-shirt with Pet Shop characters, blue jean mini with pink fur around the bottom, black winter tights, pink hello kitty socks and tennis shoes.
Day Two: I lay out THREE outfits. Two of which have been accepted other days. None were accepted. Negotiations began and ended rather quickly and we were out the door.
I really, really don't know what the fuck is up with this and don't want to know. I would however like it to end. and end quickly and for forever more.
For all of those judgemental readers out there who are saying to themselves, "MY daughter never did that. I showed HER who was boss." or "You shouldn't let her take control. You should show her who's in charge" all I have to say is come on over and give it a try. Walk a mile, ladies and gentlemen. Count your blessings if your child is the picture of cooperation and say a little prayer for me in place of a few judgemental statements.
Now for La Nina's Fashion Quotes of the week:
"That's lame."
"That's so lame!"
"Isn't THIS beautiful?" (her bathing suit)
"I can't wear that. It's 'dus uncomfable."
"I can't believe you think dat's adowable."
"I like this dress."

She better end up being a CoCo Fucking Chanel after all this bullshit!

Thanksgiving Approaches!

Halloween is my favorite holiday of all time. Thanksgiving is in a very close second. As a child growing up, we never went to relative's houses for any holidays. It was my immediate family in our modest trailer in our town. The feast was beyond fabulous; my mom can cook! Since those days, I have celebrated this holiday with in-laws (two diff. sets) in beach locations and homes. I hosted my first Thanksgiving at the age of 24 or so. It rocked. My parents and my then bro in law were the only ones in attendance besides my husband (at the time) and my oldest child was about 2 or 3. Memorable. My next most memorable Thanksgiving is sad, but still up there on my list. My last Thanksgiving with my father. I had moved back to town and was divorcing. I cooked Thanksgiving in my small apartment for my parents, my two oldest children, and my boyfriend (current hubby). The table was tiny but the food large! My dad's health was very poor and he took a bad tumble that day. He passed one month later. He loved to celebrate and loved food and loved me. All I could be thankful for in one day!. I've been the hostess of this day for the majority of the years passed. I am not the oldest girl in my family and this tradition seems odd sometimes to others. I love cooking for the people I love. I don't love cleaning up the mess! This year is a dilemma. The big day is only two weeks away and we don't have a real plan. I have so much to be thankful for in my life and I don't want this day to just slip by. The last year has sucked personally for me in so many ways . . . lost my house, my husband, my dog. I've gained my husband again, a group of dear women friends, etc. I sort of want to eat out this year. My heart isn't in the cooking. This on going debate must be solved! I'm listing pros and cons. Feel free to leave comments full of meaningful advice that I may listen to or ignore.

Pros to cooking:

I'm a good cook.

It gives me something to do.

It creates a memory for my daughter.

It will make my husband happy to stay home.

My father in law always comes when I cook.

It gives me an excuse to drink before noon.

It's an excuse NOT to go to in-laws.

Leftovers!!!!!

Cons to cooking:

It cost $$$$.

It is a big pain in the ass.

Cleaning up is a son of a bitch.

Some of my family gets on my nerves.

Most of my family gets on my nerves.

Leftovers!!!!!

Hmmmmmm. . . . . . .

Today I'm Thankful For:

I find myself in a thankful mood this evening. Despite my sailor's mouth, I am really spiritual and say my prayers daily. I pray for family, strangers, friends, and even enemies. Saying thanks for all kinds of things tonight and not meaning any blaspheme or disrespect in anyway.

I am thankful for:

1. my bathrobe and warm socks.

2. the smiles and warm laughter of my friends.

3. the strong capable hands of Mr. Muse Girl who hugs, works, cleans, and disciplines!

4. belly laughs and silly words from La Nina.

5. the tasty ice-cold Heineken waiting for me in the fridge.

6. the absence of a few pests who are serving time in other locations.

7. big boy children who smile and call their mama.

8. a sense of humor that allows me to laugh at the more fucked up aspects of life.

9. the upstairs neighbors aren't making a lot of racket tonight.

10. ten minutes with Mr. Muse Girl!!!!!!

Shut up Stars!

Not feelin' the horoscope forcast for tomorrow.

You'll need to watch your step at work as there will be hurdles to jump. Try to be patient and diplomatic with your friends to have an enjoyable time together. Find time to relax at home with your family. Be considerate and entertaining with them.

Patient and Diplomatic? Considerate and entertaining? What? I don't like any of those words.

Another one for tomorrow:

Have a little faith in your abilities instead of looking to your sweetie for cues. Instead of thinking that you're sub par, examine your situation. Is there a chance this simply isn't challenging enough for you?

I don't like this one either, BUT I'm translating it to mean that Mr. Muse Girl should attend to the grocery shopping as it "simply isn't challenging enough" for me!

I may start "shopping" through other sun signs for a horoscope that I like and then I'll claim it for my own.

Ooooppppssss!

FYI-Be careful what you blog about. Mr. Muse Girl keeps reminding me that he "has 10 spare minutes." Ooopppsss!

Why is the Universe Fucking With Me? Part II

Ok. Called the stupid mother fuckers back again tonight. AND I spoke with a person. Not just one person, but TWO. Yes. Two, short, clipped-voiced, pissy people-humans. Lovely way to end a Lovely as fuck day. The interesting thing, apart from the a million numbers and shit I punched in, is that neither unembodied voice had any fucking idea why I was calling!!! They, for some reason, thought that I created the situation that necessitated the stupid ass calling. Assholes. Stupid assholes. So, here's the double finger to the giant corps. of America. DOUBLE BIRD!!!! Thanks Amy and Tony at **** ** ****** for wasting 10 minutes of my life. I mean in ten minutes I could have called my mom, who btw would know WHY I'm calling. I could have played a silly game with La Nina. I could have had a heart 2 heart w/Middle Child about his life. I could have pleasured Mr. Muse Girl fast and nasty. I could have stared at my fave TV show for 10 whole minutes! I could go on and on, but I won't. Done. They are dead to me (spit) dead.

Why is the Universe Fucking With Me?

Seriously, is Mars in Retrograde? Is Mercury going into its lunar phase or some shit? I am speaking to you live while on hold with one of America's biggest corps. So, far, I have punched in 10,000 numbers, said a few commands, been told someone will "assist you momentarily" Yeah, right. WTF? I've been on hold for about 8 mins. now mother fuckers. I'm telling you now, no offense intended, but if I have to speak to someone in a gd foreign country and guess whatever the fuck they're saying, i'm gonna act crazy. I will cut someone, cuss someone etc. I'm supposed to be at a family birthday celebration, but I'm on hold with these trifling mother fuckers. I bet they're all huddled around in the break room laughing and drinking it up about all of the people they're punking! Maybe office Joe and secretary Sally are fucking in the copy room? Maybe they're all passing a big fattie around and saying, "cool, man." Who the fuck knows? Not me! So, their music is some seriously fucked up synthed out bullshit. I've had two very important calls while on hold with these stupid asses. TWO. I am an important mother and what not. Other people need me--selfish, corporation assholes.Okay, making a count of how many times they ask me if I need assistance: one, two, three, four---FULL OF SHIT!!!! going to family b-day celebration. SCREW'em!!!! Lying mother fuckers.

Pussy Anyone?

So, a friend asked today if anyone wanted one of three adorable abandoned kittens. While my own fierce warrior dawg was living, I could not own or even think of owning a feline. He thought they were only good for snacks. So, as the day progressed, I began thinking about how La Nina Loca's biggest desire lately has been to get a cat. I kept this desire at bay by saying that it would eat the hamster. Odds are low on that one, but she'll never see through this lie.

Tonight I call my Mr. over for a discussion on the subject because he is the boss of me when it comes to pets/household changes. I allow this, btw. Here's how the discussion went and how I talked myself out of the idea!

Me: Hey, babe, come over here. Wanna chat with you about somethin.

Mr: Oh, no. (skeptical look) He turns around, leans on furniture and crosses arms as if to do battle.

Me: (I read his posturing and meet him with coquettish Mrs. all eyes batting and downcast, sad smile) So, ________mentioned today that she's looking for a home for this kitten.

Mr: (before I can say anything else) (head shaking) Not a good idea.

Me: But La Nina's been asking for one lately. I've been thinking about it too.

Mr: You can't find time to clean the Hamster cage. How can you take care of anything else?

Me: I clean her cage ever 2 weeks because it takes her a week to build her sleeping nest. It wouldn't be fair. Anyways, I'm sure they have fancy new litter and boxes now.

Mr: It would cost too much by the time you de claw it and pay for all the other expenses.

Me: True, but it seems cruel to de claw. It's painful ya know.

Mr: It would claw up your furniture and scratch her.

Me: It wouldn't claw the furniture but . . . . her, well maybe.

Then it all flashes through my mind. She harassed my sister's stray cat's kittens (3 weeks old). It was a nightmare for me everytime we went over to her house. I had to watch her constantly because she wanted to put it in her shirt as her "baby" and carry it around by the neck and stuff it into things. . . purses, baskets, boxes etc.

Me: Yeah, maybe she's not old enough for it after all.

Mr: (Smug satisfied smile) Wait till she's about 6 or 7.

No Pussy for the Muse Girl household any time soon!!!!!

Cooking Discoveries

I've been concerned about La Nina Loca's social and intellectual development. You know, you worry about what your children might struggle with later on and wonder how you could help them before they cross those bridges. We've already established that I WISH I could be the mom who lies on the couch smokin' ciggs, drinkin' and watchin' Jerry Springer, but I'm not. The specific things I was concerned about:

1. La Nina cannot write her full name, but more importantly has no DESIRE to learn.

2. La Nina seemed to play only with boys whom she calls her boyfriends and says she will marry one day.

3. La Nina has days (very few) where she won't listen to her teacher. I get this Rock Star treatment from her most days, but she usually tows the line at school.

So, tonight I decided we'd do a little cooking therapy. La Nina loves to help cook, bake, and wash dishes. (What a freak!) While we were in the middle of it all, I began my baited questions. The conversation went roughly as follows:

Me: So, who have you been playing with lately?

Her: J-----. (boy)

Me: Who else?

Her: (a few more "boyfriend" names)

Me: What about B------? Did you play with her?

Her: Nope.

Me: Your teacher said you did, today.

Her: Well, she chased me around if that's what you mean.

Me: (mouth open) Oh, I thought you two were friends.

Her: We are. It was a chase game. (closed mouth).

Her: I like you.

Me: Thanks, angel, I like you too.

Her: You're the best Mommy ever!

Me: Aww, thanks button. You're my fave ____year old too!

Her: B-----and I had a ba'scussion about pee and poop.

Me: EWWWW. That is nothing to be talkin about, miss maam.

Her: (giggle) uh, huh. Poopy Pants. Me and A---just said that. (laughter)

Me: (NO laughing). Nope, not acceptable at all. Do you need some soap? Huh, some soap for that nasty mouth? I'll do it, you know. Ask your brothers.

Her: (more giggling, not threatened) I love brother.

Me: Why do you love brother?

Her: He always plays games with me.

Me: Yep, you're a lucky girl, huh?

Her: I like Daddy. He's the best daddy in the world.

Me: That's sweet. I like Daddy too.

Her: He's not YOUR Daddy.

Me: True. (sigh--she's one step ahead of me, always)

Her: Sometimes he makes me mad, though.

Me: Yeah? How?

Her: When he tells me to do t'ings I don't wanna do.

Me: What about me? Do you get mad at me?

Her: Yep. You doos that too.

Me: Hey, let's practice your name while we cook.

This goes well for a minute. Stirring and spelling.

Me: How about later we try writing your name too?

Her: Nope.

Me: Why not?

Her: A'cuze.

I stopped here. I had established that she does play with girls but likes the boys better. I figured out that she loves her family even though we boss her. She can spell her name but chooses not to write it. I'll sleep tonight but can't guarrantee the future!

Dare ya!

Dare you to:

Try something new.

Contact an old friend.

Reach out to someone who needs you.

Love as hard as you hate.

Open your mind to a new thought path.

Ask someone to forgive you.

Tell someone how much they REALLY mean to you.

Believe that everything, everything happens for a reason!

Maybe I was wrong . . . .

Walmart Prayer Part II:

Well, only one of the requests from my former Walmart prayer was granted. I purchased a few sale items!!! However, the place was crowded as a mo' fo', I didn't get a good parking place, La Nina cost me 30.00!!!!! (bribery), the workers weren't really nice . . . in short it continues to be the seventh circle of Hell for me. The experience was everything I thought it would be and not in a good way!

Walmart Prayer

Not trying to be blasphemous. I think God has a sense of humor; look around. So, I'm taking some liberties.

Dear God,

Help me please! I have to go out to Walmart to send Mr. some $$$ today. I pray that I'll get a good parking space. I pray that I won't get run over in the parking lot. I pray that not everyone that lives in this city will be there. I pray that La Nina Loca is on her best behavior (which is a loose term in itself). I pray that I won't cuss anyone out in my head or for reals. I pray that I won't see anyone I know because I'm not going to wear makeup or fix my hair. I pray that the WM employees are semi nice to me. I pray that it gets a little warmer outside and could you throw in some sunshine for about an hour? Oh, and I pray that anything I need to buy is on sale.
Please consider my prayer--it comes from the heart.

Amen.

Confused Constellations!

My horoscope for tomorrow is sooooo whack!



"Take part in some new sport or gym routine today -- it might turn into a permanent part of your life. You're better off joining together with friends or coworkers, if only to keep you going. "


Funny! If any of you bitches asks me to "join" you for exercise, you're gonna get a double bird! My fave kind of exercise is turning the pages of a really good book!!!!!

To Man Child--a rare serious moment for me

I recently blogged about the trials of parenting a man child. This poem is inspired by those trials and is a rare serious moment for Muse Girl. I promise that witty repartee will chase off the melancholy that has taken hold of me for a moment.

To my man-child:
Where did yesterday go?
You were just a boy
With laughing eyes and
A quiet smile.

How did I lose the time?
You used to be here
With innocent questions and
A quiet way.

Why didn’t I know more?
You struggled through
With frustrated sighs and
A quiet sorrow.

Why can’t I go back?
I would guide you
With loving words and
A quiet smile.

Where can we find the time?
I would be there
With confident answers and
A quiet way.

Why can’t I help you?
We continue to struggle through
With confused tears and
A quiet sorrow.

Muse Girl
10/12/09

FYI

Made it to the grocery--finally. It was all I had imagined. Everyone in town was there. The children chattered on while I was trying to think and make decisions. There were several bottlenecks on tight aisles and several misses with the huge fucking cart that la nina loca insists I drive around. I was wound so tightly through the experience that I would have ended up in China if I was released. I kept getting shocked every time I picked up an item. It hurt so badly that I finally said out loud "FFFFUUUUCCCKKK." Of course the small boy and his daddy in their church clothes appreciated that one. At the check out, la nina loca through a huge fit over holding her chocolate milk. It was of such a proportion that as we're leaving I'm telling her loudly that the manager standing by the door is going to put her in Publix Jail. This is one I only use when I'm desperate. It didn't work. She carried on ALL THE WAY TO THE CAR. When we arrive, I realize that we've just stolen a package of cookies that were under her coat in the cart. I have gone back in stores before to pay for a $1 item. I think it's important to show your kids how to keep that moral compass going. However, I confess amongst her screaming the thought of returning inside and writing a check for a package of 3.00 cookies (Mr. lost the check card) didn't seem like a good idea. Sooooo, I gave them a big speech about taking things without paying, put them in the trunk, and closed it. I promise to pay next time I go.

Mr.'s Bad Habit

Nope, not talking about Mr.'s love for the ciggs or his abuse of Pepsi or his habitual snoring that could trigger an avalanche in the Swiss Alps from here. Mr. tends to wake up quickly. Don't get me wrong, he never hears his alarm but when his eyes are open, he is thinking and speaking. I wake up slowly. It is a soft, symbiotic relationship between my body and my mind. It is a process that is only complete after four sips of coffee. I cannot dialogue or deal with anyone else's until the completion stage. If words are formed and aimed at me, I strain to reach them and it fucks with the harmony of my process. This all comes to light today because my process is fucked beyond recognition. I actually wrote this post in my head while lying in the bed at about 4 a.m. My body wasn't part of the process and therefore I couldn't get out of the bed then.

I wake up around 3 a.m. to the sound of Mr.'s alarm which is the theme song to the movie Halloween cranked on his cell--that is ACROSS the ROOM. I whip myself into a sitting position mind alert at the sound. I look for him in the bed and there he is. Eyes closed, snore turned down but still ASLEEP. I rudely wake him up probably with cursing--cant' remember. He starts asking questions and talking and what not. I'm like what? no. mmmhmmm. trying to answer Mr. and finally I snap and tell him to shut up and leave me alone. He goes on about his business getting ready for work.

I lie there. Mind awake body not. Mind starts ticking slowly at first:

Damn, I'm hungry. pause. Ohhh, there's no food in the house. pause. Fuck, must grocery shop tomorrow. pause. Aw, double fuck, must take children with--husband is going to work. pause. Hate the grocery with children. pause. They'll piss me off. I'll spend too much money. pause.I have a headache. pause. Damn, no more BC powders. pause. Why am I awake and thinking about this shit????? pause. maybe I should get up. pause. Then, I'll want to eat because I'm hungry. pause. There's no food in the house. pause. I'll have to go to the grocery. pause. FUCKKKKK, back here again?????? I'm gonna hurt Mr. This is all his fault!

Needless to say, I eventually wandered back into sleep and ended up sleeping way too late into the a.m. I've had my coffee, but I'm starving. Trying to get energy to conquer the grocery.

Sorry, Mr. for the bashing. Man up, you can take it because you know I love ya!

Random Musings . . . .

Quotes I find interesting:

"I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art." -Kahlil Gibran, "A Handful of Sand on the Shore"

"There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action." -Johann von Goethe

There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, [journalism] keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community." -Oscar Wilde, 1841

"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents." -Salvador Dali

Dictionary Slang Dictionary Word of the day:

Slang Dictionary
poser
n.someone who pretends to belong to a group only by affecting the attributes of the group. (See also mod poser.) : What's he doing here? He's just a poser, looking for dates.

Dictionary of American Slang and Colloquial Expressions by Richard A. Spears.Fourth Edition. Copyright 2007. Published by McGraw Hill.

Disclaimer: Not claiming these for my own first or anything. . . Just like them.

Keepin it "Real"

So, I spent the majority of my day yesterday in my pjs, in bed watching reruns of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. It began the night before when I had a toothache like a mo'fo and took two pain pills, four ibuprofen and suffered for hours. I woke up a little hung over from the drugs but with a minor toothache. I have SEVERE dentist anxiety and refuse to go. REFUSE. Anyway, to pass my hangover time, I began watching the show. One after the other came on until I was completely mesmerized. I laughed with the women, cried with them, hated with them, and laughed AT them as well. I got up to make dinner b/c I was on overload and had forgotten that I WASN'T one of these privileged women. I realized I didn't have a personal assistant to plan for, shop for, and cook for my family. I did, however, continue my RHofA fest post dinner and Mr. reluctantly joined me at last when he realized I could not be pried from either the bed or the show. He kept saying, "I can't believe you watch this." It's like a train wreck. You can't help but watch! I came to several conclusions after my day with the bitches of Atlanta:

1. They must have more money than sense. OR more money than God. OR more debt than there are words in the English language.

2. I want to be a strong, attractive black woman.

3. Wigs are under-rated and I'm considering buying one.

4. They drink as much as I do only I can't afford the amount of wine they consume.

5. Kim's ta-ta's will take over the Southeastern U.S. soon.

6. If I had time to kill, I'd stalk Dwight the gay guy--love him, want to have drinks with him.

7. How do those bitches walk in those heels?

8. Kim has a personal assistant who: hires her nanny, goes with her to plan her birthday party, carts her crap around for photo shoots. Where do I get one of these???????

9. For all of the time those ladies spend hating, they spend equal amounts of time loving. . . someone if not each other.

10. I want to crash one of the parties they show the women attending!

PS-I'm in withdrawals today.

Man Child Meets Mr. and Mrs. ????

I introduced the figurrs to Man Child today when he came by. I decided to ask him the same questions that I asked Middle Child and La Nina Loca about them. Before I could formally introduce him, he noticed them and asked, "What's up with these?" I explained. He asked, "You're not going to leave them there are you?" Later I let him spend some time with them and asked him the questions.

Me: Man Child meet Mr. and Mrs.
MC: head nod, smile. no words.
Me: Where do you think they're going?
MC: Smile. Giggle. "Can I touch them?" The sun? He's got a beer. He's going to the sun, duh?
Me: What do you think their names are?
MC: This guy looks like a Phil. She looks like a Judy.
La Nina Loca named them: Ina and Ohcio.
(laughed out loud)
Me: What is he going to take pictures of?
MC: Birds or something.
Me: What is her fave color?
MC: Gumdrop Purple
Me: What music do they like?
MC: This dude likes Neal Young. I can just tell. She likes Bruce Springsteen. I hate Neal Young.
Me: What do you think is in his bottle?
MC: Captain Morgan 100 proof.
Me: What do you think is in her bag

MC: Food.
Me: What do you think is in his suitcase?
MC: That's a lunch box.
Me: Ask them one question.
Why are you dressed like that?

Parenting the Man Child

Having a serious moment that isn't being served with a side of sarcasm today. I'm definitely more comfortable with anger and humor than the more serious side of life. Parenting a man child is a tricky tight rope that may bring out anger, frustration, desperation, nostalgia, but rarely humor. Here are the latest parenting words I offerred up to Man Child:

1. When a man fucks up, he stands up and owns it.

2. Look the folks in the eye that you are responsible to and say what needs to be said--like an apology or whatever the situation calls for.

3. Carry on in a situation with what you can sleep with tonight because you might just live with that decision for a long time.

4. It's not the mistakes you make, but how you handle them and clean up after them that defines your character.

5. Remember your moral compass.

6. If you live life authentically, you'll have fewer regrets. This means to me brutally honest with yourself when the tough times show up at your door.

These are words I wish someone had been savy enough to explain to me as a youth. However, I don't know if I would have understood them until now. I wish I could sprinkle fairy dust on them to give them life for Man Child.

Favorite Quote

I've had a few reasons to deploy this quote lately. I find it once again in need of use.

They copied all they could follow
but they couldn't copy my mind
so I left them sweating and stealing
a year and a half behind.
Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)

Sometimes it just fits. Oh, and Karma is a real bitch.

You Know You're a Bitch If . . .

My newest song post "The F Word" is a shout out to my girls who will soooo appreciate it! Feelin extra bitchy tonight and decided to give into the feelin and wear it like a designer outfit and maybe, just maybe tomorrow it will be out of my system.

So, You Know You're a Bitch If:

1. You looked sideways at least once at someone and thought, "You just need to go the fuck away."

2. You looked at someone with a strained expression and thought, "You just need to shut the fuck up."

3. You looked glassy eyed at least once at someone and thought, "I want to slap the fuck out of you."

4. You looked at a co-worker and thought, "Bring it, Bitch. I will FUCK you up!"

5. You didn't even have to lay eyes on someone to think, "I wish he'd/she'd go jump in the fucking river."

6. Your thoughts all day long were mostly, "What the Fuck?????" about everyone and everything.

Middle Child Meets Mr and Mrs ????

I introduced the figurrs to Middle Child tonight at dinner. I decided to ask him the same questions that I asked La Nina Loca about them. He made it fun and I laughed a lot.

Me: Middle Child, meet Mr. and Mrs.

MC: Okay.

Me: Where do you think they're going?

MC: The beach.

Me: What do you think their names are?

La Nina Loca interjects: NO, I named them! I named them!

MC: He looks like a Rob and she looks like a Brenda.

La Nina Loca named them: Ina and Ohcio.

(spewed out his tea)

She's gonna be like Angelina Jolie

Me: What is he going to take pictures of?

MC: Ummm, other women?

Me: What is her fave color?

MC: Probably like a Navy Blue.

MC: Why are you asking me this? Is there a catch to it? I don't get it. Hmph.

Me: What music do they like?

MC: Well, he likes Whitesnake and she likes Enya, I can tell. No, no, she's too Hillbilly. What's that guy you used to listened to who raps? Yeah, Kid Rock.

MC: What do you keep typing?

Me: What do you think is in his bottle?

MC: Bottle of Jack. No, Is that a forty? I can't tell.

Me: What do you think is in her bag?

MC: Oh, it's a bag. I thought it was a turkey. Probably twinkies.

Me: Ooooo, you're bad.

Me: What do you think is in his suitcase?

MC: Porn.

(I spew this time)

Me: Ask them one question.

(me) Not appropriate to write.

Coming soon . . .I interview Mr. and Mrs. about their experiences at Casa de Muse Girl!!!!

Two Steppin Update

Mr. Muse Girl and I spent a few nights with an instructional video this weekend and are setting our sites on our Two Steppin night out! We practiced and laughed and practiced and made out and practiced and laughed some more! Mr. Muse Girl is quite the perfectionest and is very goal oriented. He loves a challenge! He was so Patrick Swayze (R.I.P.) in Dirty Dancing. I was alternating steps with swigs on my Heineken. Mr. Muse Girl, who is no drinker, was sober THE WHOLE TIME. I would get serious when I felt some time out or punishment coming my way. It was really a blast though. I'm gonna need a whole lot more practice or I will make a fool of myself and him when we take our act public. Throw out some names of some cool country western dance/bars in the Nashville area. I haven't been to one in a long, long, long, long, long time!!!!!! The less well known and flashier the better. If you read about Mr. and Mrs. Muse Girl in the bar before, you'll understand that I don't need to be in an environment that will encourage my inner ASS KICKER. Something old and laid back. I did make a promise to Mr. Muse Girl, God, and my readers that I would behave . . . . . .

Welcome Mr. & Mrs. - . . . . . . .

I can't help but giggle a little crazy giggle when I think of what poor Mr. & Mrs. BB have gotten themselves into!!! They thought they were winning a new home and instead they got one of the circles of hell reserved to curious and active young la nina loca's! She immediately zeroed in on MY ga-prize! After seeing every item--I was LUCKY--she saw her own ga-prize within the winning treat. After donning her new "puwhse" complete with "lips" and cool frog princess socks, she FOUND Mr. and Mrs. BB. It was love at first sight! She's got a thing for the fi-gurrs, ya know. I kept putting off her desire to touch and play with the couple. They were new to our house, after all. At bedtime, I put them on my nightstand and conducted the interview below with La Nina Loca considering our new residents. Afterwards, she played a make believe story with them in my bed that was rival to the Brothers Grimm adventures. PS-today when we entered the door, the FIRST thing she did was go to retrieve Mr and Mrs and the pic above shows where they ended up. Since that time they have witnessed a 45 minute all out louder than God himself tantrum. I'm talkin one for the record books. So, they are probably PISSED that they are in this new home where chaos apparently reigns! I will interview THEM in the next few days to see how they are feeling about their new digs!

Interview with La Nina Loca regarding Mr. and Mrs. Blither Blather figurrs: 9/28/09

Q. Where do you think they're going?
A. Swimming Pool!

Q. What do you think their names are?
Female: Ena (In-a) and Ochio (oooocheeeoooo)
Me: Ooookaaay. Whatever.

Q. What is he going to take pics of with his camera?
A. A giraffe
Me: at the swimming pool????
A. yeah.

Side comment from nina: "I think Daddy and me are going to play with them."
Me in my head: "No fucking way."

Q: What is her fave color?
A: Pink

Q: What music do they like?
A: Scooby Doo Music
Me in my head: Ooookaaay.

Side comment from nina: "is that a girl?"
Me: laugh!
Her: I think they're gonna marry and go swimmin!

Q. What is in his bottle?
A. Pennies

Q. What's he going to do with his peenies?
A. Look at them. Check on them.

Q. What do you think is in her bag?
A. Phone, perfume, makeup, her eyebrow ting.

Q. What do you think is in his suitcase?
A. Clothes, socks, phone

Side comment from nina: Can I play with them?
Me: Like what?
Her: The mom and dad, yah, funny looking, like statues!

Q. One last thing, do you have a question you want to ask them?
A. giggle, Chicken Butt!!! (followed by hysterical laughter)
Me: head shake and WTF????????

Welcome to the Jungle Mr. and Mrs.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beggin to be Mrs. Brady

Watched The Brady Bunch marathon on TV Land ALL day today. No, I wasn't sitting around with a bong-ful smoking and eating Cheetos. I was cleaning various rooms of the house and since we have a TV in every room . . . I felt it necessary to keep a continuity of TV while I cleaned. Began with La Nina Loca's room because there was no space of floor that wasn't covered in her stuff. It looked like the toy box had vomitted all over. I sorted and folded and stacked and arranged for hours. I paused intermittently to concentrate on America's family. I moved to other rooms darting in and out replacing objects that had sneaked out of pocket. I vacuumed, mopped, and prepared dinner pausing for interruptions from EVERYONE--Mr. Musegirl needed this, La Nina Loca needed that, Middle child wanted something, Man child popped in for a visit, and the phone. The mo fo phone rang so many gd times! Then as I'm eating while wearing a layer of exhaustion, it hits me. That fuckin Mrs. Brady didn't do shit! Seriously, clips ran through my mind from the day---she was flipping through magazines after dinner with Mr. Brady when Alice walks in SMILING and pours them some post dinner coffee. I see her trying on vacay outfits--ski bunny suit, cowgirl . . . I see her sitting at the kitchen table when her girls bring in groceries AND put them away! All the while Alice busts her big ass doing everything. So, Mrs. Brady does not work outside the home, BUT what does she do??? Alice is the hired slave. If I were Mrs. Brady, I would attend all six PTA meetings, be room mother or some school shit like that. I might really have time to sit around with the bong full and some Cheetos. I guarantee Mr. Musegirl would be sooooooooo pleased with our sex life. Quickies in his office at lunch and all. Think of all the energy I could have! Will continue to fantasize what my life would be if I were Mrs. Brady!

I'd Like to Thank the Little People . . . .

I won! I won! I won!
La Nina Loca's fave words are "I'm the winter; you're the loser!" I didn't teach HER this; she taught me! I am the happy recipient of fellow blogger's contest to celebrate her big 5-0--Fifty followers that is!!! Have no clue what I really won but I have the LABEL, so who cares? Congratulations to me! Thanks Queen of Blither Blather Bitchn' for having a contest and to the gracious host who pulled my name from the basket!!!!!

BE-ware of the Bull

What you'll want. What you'll get.

Read my horoscope for tomorrow. If you work with me, you might read it. I don't promise tact or charm. Feelin' a little short-tempered. You'll likely get a gigantic dose of reality if you bring a big ole stupid idea to me tomorrow. You've been warned. Just sayin'.

Someone you work with is all excited about their latest idea, but after taking a closer look at what they want to do, you are going to see big holes in their plan. You owe it to them to speak up and voice your concerns. Use your tact and charm to get them to reevaluate their suggestion and help them fine tune it. They need a dose of reality, and you are just the person to give it to them.

Don't act crazy; don't play!

Shout Out: CB4D!

I put a new song on my player as a tribute to some "folks" who ROCK. It's in the cards that it was a gathering meant to happen . . . for a long time into the future.

Muse Girl's going Two-Steppin' Hot Damn!

Mr. Muse Girl sent me a two step instructional video to study!!!! (tried to post it for kicks, but it wouldn't process) Guess who's going two stepping?!! I am making the following solemn vow before Mr., God, and Muse Girl Readers:

I Muse Girl promise not to drink too much while on Two Step date.

I Muse Girl promise not to go after skanky ho waitresses who are after Mr.

I Muse Girl promise not to give Mr. any reason to leave me at the bar.

Can't wait! Thanks for saying yes, Mr.!

Want to Ride a Cowboy (actually just 2-step)

I learned to Texas Two Step once as training to be a youth minister at my church. Those who know me will find that little fact shocking. My three months in that position were quite shocking. Anyway, that's been A LONG, LONG time ago and I've been DYING to learn how again! DYING. I want nothing more in the world than to learn and then take my s.o., Mr. Muse Girl to a country joint and two step until I can't move!!! Several problems with this dream--#1. Don't know how. #2. S.O. not around a lot. #3. S.O. will NOT dance. #4. Not even tap his feet to a beat. #5. S.O. plus ME plus a drinking establishment = a WHOLE lot of trouble.

We've been to ONE bar in our eight year relationship. This is how it went: I'm drinkin like a mother fucker. We're with another couple. We're playing pool, listening to bad music, and having fun. S.O. doesn't drink, FYI. We're in a small, crappy little bar. The music is really bad. Anyway, S.O. is just a boyfriend at this point. He goes to the bathroom. I'm a jealous little cat. I see a cute little waitress enter the bathroom after him. That's all this closet redneck, jerry watchin', trailer trash, girl needed. I was headed for the bathroom with my empty beer bottle--gonna crack SOMEONE over the head. Him or the waitress who followed him in. I knew it was a secret assignation--knew it. Couple stopped me. He came out (sober, btw). I'm ALL worked up. Act the fool. He leaves my silly ass at that bar right then and there. Told me later when I caught up with him that he doesn't do all that. I needed to sober up, grow up, and act like the lady he feel in love with. I did. We never attended a bar together or separate again. HOWEVER, I am DYING to two step with my S.O. Soooooooooo, those of you who think we should give this date a try need to leave a comment. If we get 10 comments or more in favor of this date, I WILL bargain with all I've got--to make it happen. I promise a blog and maybe pics or a video of the event!!!

Think about it . . .

Thinking about the wisdom we pass on to those who listen. Here are some notable quotes that speak to me:

I have the heart of a man, not a woman, and I am not afraid of anything. Elizabeth I

Do not tell secrets to those whose faith and silence you have not already tested. Elizabeth I

A strength to harm is perilous in the hand of an ambitious head. Elizabeth I

I will not be triumphed over. Cleopatra

All strange and terrible events are welcome, but comforts we despise. Cleopatra

Any committee is only as good as the most knowledgeable, determined and vigorous person on it. There must be somebody who provides the flame. Lady Bird Johnson

Do not reveal what you have thought upon doing, but by wise council keep it secret being determined to carry it into execution. Chanakya

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition. Martha Washington

It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others. Sydney J. Harris

Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations. Alfred Adler

Epistle to the Stuff

Dear Objects of My Home,

I don't know how the hell you have found your way out of the places you belong, but I'm pretty pissed about the whole thing. I look around and not a whole lot is really where it should be. I thought our motto was, "a place for everything and everything in its place"? So, what the fuck happened? I've been going ninety to nothing, true. I've ignored you a little, I know. Really, how does a pine tree branch find its way into the middle of the living room? Why is the large pile of laundry on my bedroom floor instead of the LAUNDRY room? Maybe I should put a sign on the door--LAUNDRY?? Oh, hello Allergy pills on the kitchen bar! Yes, you do belong in the mother fucking medicne cabinet, don't you? Thanks for the remind. I believe the two dozen books and toys do belong in another gd room after all. Well, I don't know what your problem is, but I want it taken care of prontinto. All of the objects in this house that are out of place better find their homes soon or I see the dumpster in their futures! Don't push me! I'll do it; I swear.

Yours forever,

Muse Girl

Shout out to my Pharmacist!

Karen Walker once said on an episode of Will and Grace that she was "thankful for a pharmacologist who is dumb as a box of hair." Here's to her pharmacologist and mine!

Been with out some very important meds for a week (no it's not my crazy pills-for those who know me--plenty of antidepressants in the cabinet)--these meds can literally be a life or death situation (eventually). Anyway, my doctor has proved to be useless in refilling this VERY important prescription in MY timely manner. I guess it's not his fault that I waited until I ran out to call??? Really, his nerve! So, out of desperation I'm calling Pharmacist to ask if he's gotten word from my doc that I can have the pills. No call. I whymper into the phone. He delightfully and without any reproach tells me that I may have a few days worth on the house!!!! WHAT? FREE pills! Oh, mama, it's a dream. I was there in 12 minutes. Swear, 12. So, Pharmie, I love ya! This one's for you!

Belated Advice from the Cock

Just now read this at 6:33 pm-day's almost over!

Chinese Horoscope for those born under the Year of the Rooster (or Cock as I prefer):

It's a day of multiple chances, so don't spoil it with useless gossiping. You'll have good health if you observe strict life hygiene. Be careful not to catch bronchitis. Get out of your routine and give new impetus to your pending projects. You'll have a hard time with your children. Your love life will know numerous annoyances. You'll ask yourself many anguishing questions, but don't overly dramatize the situation, as things are not as bad as you imagine!

#1. Already participated in gratuitous gossiping several times today.
#2. Didn't take a shower today, brush teeth or comb hair. Have drunk 2 beers already. Had fried food for lunch.
#3. Did laundry the same way I've always done laundry--all day.
#4. La Nina Loca is THE definition for "hard time" in all dictionaries!
#5. Been pawed at all day by significant other. Been interrupting in the middle of pawing all day by La Nina Loca.
#6. Asked myself about 1,000 anguishing questions since 7 a.m.

So, play for play this is how it goes:

It's a day of multiple chances, so don't spoil it with useless gossiping.(Done) You'll have good health if you observe strict life hygiene.(Done) Be careful not to catch bronchitis. (WTF???) Get out of your routine and give new impetus to your pending projects. (Done) You'll have a hard time with your children. (Done) Your love life will know numerous annoyances. (Done)You'll ask yourself many anguishing questions, (Done)but don't overly dramatize the situation, (NOT YET--but the night's not over yet!!!!!!!!!!) as things are not as bad as you imagine! (Haaaaa-like I believe that shit!)

Guess I should read these things earlier in the day . . . . .

Word of the Day

Restraint
–noun
1.
a restraining action or influence: freedom from restraint.
2.
Sometimes, restraints. a means of or device for restraining, as a harness for the body.
3.
the act of restraining, holding back, controlling, or checking.
4.
the state or fact of being restrained; deprivation of liberty; confinement.
5.
constraint or reserve in feelings, behavior, etc.
restrain
Synonyms:4. circumscription, restriction, imprisonment, incarceration.
Antonyms:4. liberty.

Observations and SHUT UP

This is a shout out to all of you who have been forced to sit through meetings that seemed to drag on and on because others who have a personal agenda can't shut the fuck up!
It's also a commentary on annoying shit.

Observation #1: The cruise wear you are wearing to work is TOT-ALLY inappropriate. You look like a dumb ass who missed his boat. That kind of attire is circumspect even on a vacation. Why would you think it's appropriate to wear to a place of business????? Go to fuckin Men's Warehouse and buy a gd shirt and tie!


Observation #2: You care already! We GET it! We KNOW you EXPECT the BEST of everyone! Yeah, we kind of get that everytime there's a competition--oh wait that's for your own EGO FEED. Who showed a movie, Disney movie for a few days? You, mother fucker, you.
You care, we get it. Shut up.

Observation #3: We don't care how YOU are used to doing things! That doesn't make you sooooo great okay? It just takes a few minutes of our precious time and we aren't anymore impressed than we were BEFORE you opened your mouth! Shut up.

Observation #4: You want us to comply, agree with the absurd, accept your word and shut up. We get it! We've gotten that message for quite awhile, okay? No need to beat us over the head with the colored stick once a month. Shut up.

Observation #5: We know you take important trips to cool places every year while we stay behind and work our ASSES off. No one wants to take that precious privilege away from you. Enjoy AND shut up.

Observation #6: Don't mix otc cold medicine and alcohol. The result is this blog.